


Shuhua’s All-Time, Top-Five Most Memorable Heartbreaks

by orphan_account



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 10:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25968025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Shuhua, a twenty-something record store owner, revisits her past relationships and tries to understand why she is always doomed to be left while she attempts to reconcile with her one true love, who recently dumped her.
Relationships: Jeon Soyeon/Song Yuqi, Seo Soojin/Yeh Shuhua, Yeh Shuhua/Minnie Nicha Yontararak
Comments: 34
Kudos: 148





	1. Shuhua’s All-Time, Top-Five Most Memorable Heartbreaks

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the film and series with the same title, High Fidelity.

_My "all-time, top five most memorable heartbreaks," in chronological order, are as follows:_

_1\. Chou Tzuyu_

_2\. Yontararak Minnie_

_3\. Song Yuqi_

_4\. Park Chorong_

“— think that’s everything,” the blonde girl said, as she struggles to wear her coat. 

Shuhua glances up from where she was sitting, eyes bloodshot from all the crying. _She's leaving._ Shuhua thought as she watched how fast the older girl was tidying her stuff. _This is how much she doesn't want to be with me._ "You don't have to go this second."

The older girl, who didn't even looked up, replied, "I know, but I think it's best if I do, so— " 

"It's already late. Stay for the night," Shuhua insisted. 

"No," the blonde girl shakes her head, reaching for her things.

"Okay, just stay for a drink or two, then."

Grabbing her last bag, the other girl walked towards the door. "I don't think it's gonna do it, Shuhua-ya.”

"Let me walk you out, at least? It's dangerous to go outside in this neighborhood," Shuhua argued, as she follows her.

"God, can we just make this a little bit easy, please," the blonde girl finally looks at her, her voice trembling, begging.

"Oh, what, I'm sorry. Is my concern an inconvenience for you?" Shuhua frowned, almost yelling at the older girl.

"You know what? I'm just gonna go. Alright?"

“Jinjin-ah— "

The look that Soojin gave made her stop talking. She, then, reached for the door handle, struggling with all the stuff in her hands, but still tried to open the door anyway. _Very clumsy, really_. So, Shuhua had to take everything in her to do it for her. Because once she's out of the apartment, that's it. 

Even before Shuhua starts regretting her decision to be _oh so polite_ , Soojin walked past her. Shuhua immediately catches the door before it shuts. She, again, tried, "we promised."

“Shuhua, don't start."

"Remember?" Shuhua continues, "remember when we were at this bar and we were dancing to _Dancing in the Moonlight_ and we were having such a nice evening and that there was this stupidly cute old couple from the other side of the dance floor who looked so smitten with each other despite being together for so long."

Shuhua nodded. "I remember."

"We promised, you know, that we'll be like them someday, and that one day some couple would look at us like that too, and think that they want what we have, right?"

"Yes, I remember. We promised." Soojin closed her eyes, crying a little. "I just— I can't remember what it felt like, Shuhua-ya.”

"Um, yeah. Right," looking down, Shuhua can feel another wave of tears in her eyes.

"You take care. Bye, Shuhua.”

With that, Shuhua was left alone in her apartment. 

She dragged her feet back into her apartment, back to her chair. Shuhua grabs her abandoned bottle of beer earlier and lights a cigarette, even though she had too many drinks and already smoked her lungs out.

_This is how I commemorate my return to the world of single people._ She thought. _I am now free to drink and smoke whenever I want. I can go meet other people, sleep with lots of them. It's gonna be fine. I'm okay. It's alright._

Then there's a feeling of guilt that crashes through her when she first puffs her cigarette, remembering the scolding voice of girlfr— now ex-girlfriend. 

_Fuck._

Shuhua starts sobbing again. She kept doing it for a while before she exhaled heavily.

_Congratulations._

_You've made it to the top five, Soojin-unnie._

_5\. Seo Soojin_

"— with a fucking bullet."


	2. Top Five Heartbreaks

What came first, the music or the misery?

People worry about kids consuming pop culture with violence and all that, thinking that it will take over them. Yet no one worries about them listening to thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.

Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Well, you see, it’s been almost a year since my break up with Soojin. 

The thing I said about meeting other people last time? 

Fucking bullshit. 

Hmm, not totally. I’m not going to lie and say that, I didn’t try dating other people. Because I did, and where did it get me? In my bed, fucking naked and alone. The last person I slept with didn’t even have the decency to leave a slice of pizza from our take out last night.

But, still, it doesn’t compare to my top five heartbreak list. 

  1. Chou Tzuyu
  2. Yontararak Minnie
  3. Song Yuqi
  4. Park Chorong
  5. Seo Soojin



These were the ones that really hurt. And Soojin’s name is in that lot. Can you see your name there, Unnie? Those places were reserved for people who humiliated me and broke my heart. And, goddamn, did you deliver.

That probably sounds more bitter than I intended it to be, but the fact that I’m old enough to, maybe, experience a lot of miserable things, doesn’t make this easy. Gone are the days that I can just drink the day away until someone new comes. 

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. But now, it is like a drag on a cigarette, the slow burning that crawls down your throat yet you still keep breathing in, feeling it.

And it’s not like I needed another reminder.

I have all the reminders I need, here in my head.

_1\. Chou Tzuyu_

Most of our moments together were spent in the back of the bleachers after school. We were fifteen or sixteen, at the time, so careless. How can two girls mess around in an open place like that? I had absolutely no idea. I can’t even remember when I realized I was gay. One moment, the girls around me were giggling about their boy crushes. The next moment, I was wondering how it feels like to touch one of my female classmates’ breasts. 

And then I started going out with one of them, umm, that’s not right, because I had absolutely no say or input into the decision-making process. I can’t even entirely say that we went out. We are talking about a couple of teenagers here. Everything can be a bit confusing.

I still don’t know how it happened. I don’t think I was even aware of it at the time, that we were kissing. She was my first kiss. I wasn’t sure how we started sneaking out after school to make out. One thing for sure, it was the time I wanted to kiss people: with mouths and tongues and all that. And well, I want another thing though: sex. But I didn’t want that with Chou Tzuyu. Not when I was still a stupid and scared kid. Not when I had absolutely no idea how.

But, hey, listen. On the second week since we started “going out,” I turned up in the back of the bleachers and Tzuyu was there with her arms wrapped around Minatozaki Sana. Nobody— not even Tzuyu tells me about anything at all. Then, I walked away but didn't know what to do and where to go. And I didn’t want to fight anyone. 

So, I did the only thing I can do. I muttered, “fucking assholes.”

And that was that. My “relationship” with Chou Tzuyu had lasted ten hours (an hour a day after school before we went home times ten, weekends not included), so I could hardly claim that we got something special going on. To be honest, I can hardly remember what she looks like.

It’s just the feeling is just there, sometimes.

_2\. Yontararak Minnie_

Yontararak Minnie was a nice girl, very kind and so talented, most especially in music, and god, I’m all for that, although then I wasn’t so sure. She had an accepting family, a nice household, and a good upbringing. And did I mention that she was beautiful. She was so beautiful that I got carried away at one of our make out sessions and slid my hand underneath her shirt, at the top of her bra. She was so nice, that she wouldn’t let me, and so I was infuriated. And then she said sorry and cried. I hated her for it, because she didn’t have to apologize to me for making her feel bad.

I can imagine what sort of person Yontararak Minnie became: a wonderful person. I know that she finished college, did pretty well, and landed a project on one of the most prestigious music companies in the country. I would guess that she is still beautiful, gorgeous even, and focused, and for sure, successful, but not in a dismissive way. She was all of these things when we went out, and if I met her later in my life, I would have begged her to date me. However, I was stupid— horny back then, and the one time she rejected my advances, I snapped.

I don’t think I ever opened up to her. We went to classes, made our projects and danced to parties together. We did the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I get bored that I have to ask if I could touch her between her legs. Which she turned down, obviously.

Minnie would explain patiently and hopefully and maybe a little sadly that one day she would give in. But not now, she would say. She will smile at me brightly and say that she wants it to be special.

If somebody had asked me why we stopped seeing each other a couple of months after, I wouldn’t have known what to say. Because I didn’t know either.

I would like to be able to tell you that we had a long, interesting relationship, and that we were good friends and remained as such throughout the years I stayed in college— it would be nice to have her as a friend again.

Oh, I have to go to work. 

It’s not like I’m gonna be late or something. I actually own a shop called Idle Vinyl.

Okay, so, here's how not to plan a career: 

  1. Split up with girlfriend
  2. Ditch college
  3. Go to work in a struggling record shop
  4. Become the owner of the said record shop
  5. Stay there for the rest of life



Anyway, number three on the list.

_3\. Song Yuqi_

I met her when I was playing in one of my gigs. She approached me, with that boyish yet inviting smile on her face and two beers in her hands. Yuqi told me how she liked the song I performed which was surprising since most of the time people just ignore my set, saying that they didn’t know shit about what songs they were. 

Song Yuqi, phew, we matched. 

We were both alone in the city, and we felt that way, lonely. We shared almost similar mishaps in life. We liked all the same things. Beer, pretentious films. But, most importantly, music.

Yuqi once said: The things that you like are more important than what you are like. Films, TV, literature, poetry. And it’s no good just pretending some relationship is gonna magically work if you don’t like most of the same things.

And I fucking agree. Call me shallow. It’s the fucking truth. These shits matter.

Turns out, we are even more the same than we liked the same thing than we thought. Confused? I am, too.

We didn't even kiss or date. And that was the end of that.

Back to my record shop. We got a bit of everything: from rock, electronic, hip-hop, pop. We’re in a quiet, unpretentious location in Seoul, carefully placed to attract, to quote our lone review from the internet: the washed-up relics (old people) and nostalgic hipsters. P.S. The staff are a little rude. They are kind of right.

“Hey, Shuhua,” a brown-haired girl casually addressed her and dropped her bag carelessly on the record store’s cashier table.

“Hey, Yuqi.”

Yup, that’s Song Yuqi. She needed the cash. So I hire her here, a few days a week. And then she just starts showing up every day. That was three years ago.

“What’s up?” 

“Oh, yeah. I’m good. I found this really cool record from my friend’s garage,” the twenty-something said as she strides towards a record player with the said record in hand. “I hope it is still in good condition.”

Yuqi turns her attention to me after making sure that that record is playing smoothly. Noticing something, she asked, “what happened to your hands?”

“Oh, nothing.” That’s another story, for later.

“What’d you do last night?” Yuqi inquires.

I shrugged. “Went to another date.”

“Again?” Yuqi just raised a brow.

I chose to ignore that question, and lazily dragged my feet inside my office a.k.a. the stockroom. It is situated at the back part of the shop, with glass walls. So no real privacy.

While Yuqi is still feeling their new record, I stuff some records into the bulging creaking racks and then check on some of the new cassettes that we bought from the old couple across the street. 

Miyeon doesn’t show up until thirty minutes before lunch, which isn’t unusual. Both Yuqi and Miyeon were employed to work part-time, three days each, but shortly after I’d taken them on they both started turning up every day, including Saturdays.

I didn't know what to do about it— if they really had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, I didn't want to, you know have a long conversation about it — so I gave them a bit of a raise then left it at that.

Miyeon comes into the shop humming _Come On Eileen_. Actually, “humming,” isn’t the right word. She’s singing at the top of her lungs, with jumbled words. She doesn’t know the lyrics.

“Wassup, guys!” the older girl makes a face and shakes her head as she removes her sunglasses. “What’s this music?”

Yuqi tried to answer Miyeon, “It’s— “

“Oh my god. I don’t care.” Miyeon interjects, coughing mockingly. “Put on some real music.”

Yuqi can only rolls her eyes, incredulously.

Miyeon teases both Yuqi and I, to the extent that we just let her do what she wants. I met her back in high school, and cornered me to be her friend back in the day. We’ve been, well, friends ever since.

She likes to talk, relentlessly, and more or less everything. She talks a lot about music, old pop music, but also a lot about the latest series she recently watched and people: gorgeous people that can carry her when she can’t walk (with a wink), her words. Miyeon thinks and talks in tens and fives, and as a consequence, Yuqi and I too. And she makes us write lists as well, all the time: “Okay, guys. Top Five Lay!” Or 80’s music, or records made by problematic musicians or variety shows, or good restaurants around the area.

Miyeon grabs her phone from her pocket, turns the record player off, connects her device on the speakers, and jacks up the volume. Within seconds the shop is shaking to the tune of _Build Me Up Buttercup_. I can even hear it from the side of my room.

“You know what’s crazy?!” Miyeon asked Yuqi, shouting through the music while swaying her hips. “I dreamt about this song last night!”

Yuqi rolled her hips too, giving into the music, pointing out her clothes. “Were you wearing bright red overalls?” 

I can see Miyeon dancing and eventually Yuqi joined her. Both of them are singing at the top of it too. It’s hot. It’s sweaty. Soojin is gone. I don’t want to hear _Build Me Up Buttercup_ today. Somehow it doesn’t fit the mood.

“Good morning, Shuhua-ya!” My friend trips her way to my office, yelling the lyrics through the glass walls before twirling in the middle of the shop.

“Turn it off, Miyeon-unnie!” I have to yell.

“It won’t go up anymore!”

“I said turn it off, you bitch! Off!” 

Miyeon just keeps dancing and walks through into my office, shouting the lyrics: “Why do you build me up!” So, I went out of the room, and turned it off myself, and Miyeon followed me.

“Wh— hey! I was listening to that! That song was on the ‘Monday Morning Playlist.’ I made it special for all of us! Special!”

“Yeah, well, it’s fucking noon. You’re late again.”

“If I got here earlier would you let me play the next song?”

“No, but at least you’d be here on time.”

Miyeon just ignored her and turned her attention to Yuqi. “Do you want to know what’s the next song?”

“Okay. What is it?” Yuqi entertains her.

“ _Come On Eileen_ .”

I groan.

“Figured.”

“What? What is wrong with that song?” Miyeon said, defensively. She was obviously listening to it on her way here, repeatedly, I bet.

Yuqi shrugged, laughing a little. “Nothing. It’s a nice song.”

“Then why are you laughing?!”

“I said nothing!”

I have enough of this. I walked back to my office, slamming the door.

Yuqi and Miyeon stop bantering. “Why is she— why’s she slamming the door? What’s wrong with her?” The latter asked.

“She went on another date last night.”

The two of them just stare at each other, knowingly.

Number four on the “Top Five Heartbreak” List.

_4\. Park Chorong_

Chorong was… an odd choice. 

Not odd in a bad way, but in a wild, out-of-my-league kind of my way.

I met Chorong after college: I was working part time at a university in the city, and she was teaching there, and when I first saw her I realized she was the kind of girl I had wanted to meet ever since I’d been old enough to daydream about dating one. She was perfect, with dark, smooth hair, and she looked stunning and breathtaking and impressive, because up until then I had a superficial idea of girls in my head, and not very considerate if I think about it now. She didn’t talk a lot, and yet when she did, she’ll say these remarkable, interesting things— about the course she was teaching (she was a Women’s and Gender Studies major), about music, about books and about politics.

And she likes me. She liked me. Or at least for a time, I think she did. I want to think she did. I have never been entirely sure if people really liked me, but I know that sincerity helps (even though sometimes honesty does hurt a lot of people), and I was certainly cool: I didn’t make a bother with myself, not until the end anyway, and I never stayed at a place that I’m not welcome, well, again not until the end. 

I remembered a lot of things about her and I made a note of that and showed that to her. I told her she was beautiful and made her little presents, like mixtapes with my little doodles on the cover. None of this was an effort though, it just came naturally. I found it easy to be carried away by her. It wasn’t an effort to impress her. So when one of Chorong’s friends, a girl called Bomi, said that she’s happy that her friend found someone like me, I was surprised and thrilled, because Chorong told stories about me, about us to her friend, and it didn’t harm anyone harm because it was all an act out of self desire. And it was enough to turn me into someone, bearable.

But then, I felt like a fraud. Chorong hadn’t known that old me, and she didn’t know anybody who knew me, at the time, either. She knew me only when I was old enough to grasp the concept of what’s fundamentally wrong, fundamentally right and what makes us fundamentally human. I felt as though I was going to be found out at any moment. 

We went out for a year, and for every single minute I felt as though I was sitting at the edge of my seat. I couldn’t ever get comfortable. I was worried that I was never ever going to be able to say anything interesting or amusing to her about anything at all. I always thought that any second now she’ll leave me. And when she did, I couldn't even get mad at her. I could understand that she left me and went off with her friend. 

Thinking about it now, I'd never stand a chance. 

I’m still in my office, trying to tidy it up a bit, when I overheard a conversation between Miyeon and a customer. From the sound of her voice, she is not pleased.

“Excuse me. May I help you?” Miyeon asked.

The other guy keeps taking selfies inside the shop. I swear these fucking kids and their instagram. Without taking his eyes off the camera, he replied, “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

“This is a record shop. You buy something, you leave. You do know that?”

Yuqi, who’s watching the whole ordeal, nodded.

“I’m sorry, I just thought it would look good on my feed.” The guy finally turned his attention to the two.

“Oh yeah? Then why don’t you ask your internet friends or your mother to buy you a fucking record and take selfies in your room where it’s free? Yuqi-ah, do we still have that— “ Miyeon pretended to think, tapping her head with her index finger. “— get-the-hell-out-of-our-shop record? That’s on sale. Nope. We'll give that to you, for free.”

“This place sucks,” the guy muttered as he stomped his way out of the shop.

“Fucking kids.”

“Nice work, you two. Good customer service. Just fucking excellent, quality work.” I went out the front to look at Yuqi and Miyeon, mockingly clapping my hands. “Scare away our only customer.”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Miyeon argued. “The kid’s dumb. And it’s not my fault.”

Miyeon and I stared at each other, challenging.

“Um, yup. You’re right. The kid’s shit,” I finally conceded.

“Exactly! You know, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell these kids. You need to earn something. Buy something. Have some goddamn respect. See, the problem with these kids is that the generation is completely fucked off.”

“Their generation. Aren’t we part of that generation, Miyeon-unnie?”

“Nah! Because we opted out.”

Yuqi and I laughed at that. 

“All right kids,” I said as I reached for the record player, and resumed _Build Me Up Buttercup_. “Here we go.”

“Oh, yeah!” Miyeon and Yuqi raved, and went back, swaying their hips like earlier. “Come on, Shuhua-ya. Get it, girl, get it!” As I dance with them, a little. 

We kept singing and dancing to the song while we closed the shop. 

All right, fuck, let’s do this.

Number five on the “Top Five All-Time Heartbreak” list is Seo Soojin.

_5\. Seo Soojin_

For a couple of months, I sang at a hideous bar in Gangnam. It wasn’t as hideous as it was before unlike now, with the decent environment. I was a good singer, I think. At any rate, people seemed happy, they danced, stayed late, and asked me about my record shop. 

And I loved, loved singing. To look down on a room full of head bobbing away to the music you have chosen even though lots of them didn’t know the songs, and for that few months period, the bar was lively, I was happy as I have ever been. It was the only time I have ever really gotten the sense of stability, although later I could see that it wasn’t exactly stable because it didn’t pay my bills and all that capitalism shit that victimized the people without them knowing. But it’s music, I’m having the time of my life— it was fun. 

It was there. It was Yuqi’s birthday celebration, and she begged me to sing a song or two. They are friends, and she introduced us to each other. She wasn’t exactly trying to set us up. But she didn’t exactly have to. 

It just… happened.

Anyway, that's when I met Soojin. She reckons she had been to the bar a few times before we’d been introduced, and noticed her, and that could well be right— she’s gorgeous, and quiet but oh so pretty, but there were more striking women there, and if I’m being honest, that catches my eyes first. So, on that time she starts up a conversation with me and made me swoon, that was the moment I noticed her and liked her right away: she asked me to sing a track that I really love ( _At My Most Beautiful_ by _R.E.M_., that fucking song!), which had been my favorite song, until now.

“Would you stop talking to me when I messed up this song?”

“Let’s see about that.”

“Well, when you see anyone going home after this, it was because I ruined such a beautiful song.”

It’s a three and thirty-five minute single, perfect range.

“Oh, they won’t.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“This is a birthday party. Free drinks.”

So I played it, and sure enough Soojin and the other occupants of the room bobbed their heads, but one by one they all drifted back to their conversation, shaking their heads and laughing. It is a hard song to sing, not in a technical sense, it’s the emotion, the feeling about it. Soojin listened to me, and though I wanted to see whether she’d struggle to honestly tell me I suck ass, I got nervous when she looked at me.

She smiled at me, and she marched over to me after, grinning and assured me that no one left. She asked if I really owned a record shop. I nodded and said that she can come one of these days and that I can make a playlist for her.

I spent days putting that playlist together. To me, making a playlist is like writing a letter, but in a better way. It is a delicate art. You get to say what you want without actually saying it. You get to use someone else’s poetry to express how you feel. There's a lot of erasing and rethinking and starting again, and I wanted it to be a good one, because… to be honest, I hadn’t met anyone as interesting as Soojin. 

Anyway, I worked and worked on that one, and I kept changing, putting back some track. I checked them through and through. And one day, she came over to the bar, and I just took a CD from my jacket, and we went on there. It was a good beginning. 

Soojin is a fashion designer, kind of popular in the city, although when I met her, she was still struggling to find her footing. Now, she owned a pretty solid clothing line. You can say that she’s very hardworking. She has always been so passionate. 

And, oh, man. It was really passionate. This was the real fucking deal.

Lightning bolts, fireworks, electricity, magic, the whole thing.

We stayed in and made love all the time. 

We went out and had fun.

We just… got each other.

Soojin would just randomly look at me and say, “Do you know that I am completely in love with you?”

And I would just stare at her, and say without hesitation or so whatever, “Do you, do you know, Jinjin, that I— that I love you, too?”

And she smugly smirks. And I casually tell her, “You know.”

She’ll only smile.

We made plans, that we’ll travel around the world and all those places, and that when her business continued thriving, that when we had enough money, we were gonna move to a nice neighborhood fancy rooftop apartment with a nice view.

So, what went wrong?

She moved to a fancy apartment after all. Her business thrives. She even moved abroad for a few months for it. 

Just, not with me.

Truth is, I had been completely out of my depth. And after that, I was determined to never get out of my depth again. So for the past year, I’ve basically just been existing.

Ouch! Fuck! My hands!

Okay so remember when I said, “‘Oh, nothing.’ That’s another story, for later,” earlier when Yuqi asked me about my hand? Maybe there’s something I forgot to mention, last night, before my so-called date. 

I bumped into Soojin.

Walking down the street with a drink in my hand, there’s a loud, familiar voice calling out for me. I thought at first that, I was only imagining it. I had these noise-cancelling headphones on, the best based on the reviews, so fair. 

“Shuhua! Shuhua-ya!”

The tapping on my shoulder, really got my attention. And when I looked back, fuck, there she was, still as beautiful as ever.

“Soojin-unnie,” I whispered. I was in shock. “What are you doing here? I thought you're in abroad?”

“I moved back a couple of weeks ago,” Soojin answered. God, her voice. “The project didn’t really take off.”

I had to collect myself before I replied. I don’t know what to feel. But my manners kicked in. “Umm, I’m sorry.”

There was an awkward silence.

Then suddenly I remembered what she said. “Oh, umm, so you’re like, back-back? Here, living in the city?”

“Yeah,” Soojin glanced down, shaking her head before looking back at me. “I was— I’ve been meaning to, you know, tell you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.”

We stood there in the middle of the street as we took in each other’s presence.

Soojin broke the silence. “Well, we should talk. Sometime.”

“Yup,” I had to leave, I didn’t want her to see me crying again. “Uh, I have to go. See you around, I guess.”

“All right. Bye, Shuhua-ya,” she said as I continued walking away. 

I was so mad that I didn’t notice that my hands were bleeding after punching the nearest wall I could find.

The ugly truth of the matter is this: if someone asked me to choose between not being able to listen to music my whole life and not being able to see Soojin for the rest of my life, I won’t hesitate to remove music out of the equation. 

I’ll choose Soojin, over and over again.

Who’s back, by the way.


	3. The Playlist

I’m making a playlist.

Like I said before, it’s like writing a letter.

But there are rules:

  1. It should be entertaining. 
  2. You gotta tell a story. 
  3. You can’t be too obvious;
  4. But, you can’t be too obscure either. 
  5. You can’t double up on songs by the same artist, unless that’s your theme. 



Anyway, a good compilation, like so many things in life, is hard to do. 

There was a knock on my door. And before I can even say anything, Yuqi came in. “Hey, Shuhua. What are you up to?”

I shrugged. “Just making a playlist.”

“Oh. What’s it for?” That piqued the other girl’s interest.

“You know, just playing around.”

Yuqi regards her for a beat, before answering. “Cool. Um, I don’t want to interrupt you, but I think you better see this.”

“What’s up?” Frowning, I glanced at the window and saw Miyeon with a customer, female and from the looks of her, this is definitely not a place where she usually shops.

“We need your input.”

I got out of the office to see what’s happening. My friend is standing there, glaring at the girl, who is obviously annoyed.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” I asked, after giving Miyeon a warning look that she, needless to say, ignored.

“This… person who’s clearly only been listening to songs from Billboard Top 100 is trying to buy the _Fleetwood Mac’s Rumour_ record for her boyfriend.”

“Shit.” Shit. How can I sell that to this lady, who obviously don’t have any idea how important that piece of art is.

“It’s his birthday.”

Though, we are a fucking record store for fuck’s sake. I couldn’t deny this person the record just because we already concluded how bad her music taste was (and how we already assumed that this lady’s boyfriend only wanted it because apparently listening to these songs’ a trend now). I have this store to earn some freaking coins.

“Yuqi, can you grab it, please? Third row, besides those cassette tapes.” 

The other girl was already holding it even before I finished my sentence.

Miyeon looked at me in disbelief. Then stared. Then glared. Like she’s mentally telling me something, or, swearing at me. 

“I’m very sorry, but I don’t think I can sell that to you.” I sighed, glances at Miyeon who nodded, satisfied.

“Oh, okay,” the lady, exasperated, shakes her head before heading to the exit.

But, music is to be shared.

“Ugh, those fucking tracks! All right, yeah! Fuck it. I’ll give it to you.” I finally decided.

“Hold up! What are you doing, Shuhua-ya?” 

“It’s nice to have someone listen to this record and— “ Yuqi defended my decision, but was cut off by Miyeon shushing her.

“There’s no point in holding this record hostage. It will benefit the society to have another two-legged creature listen to it. And besides, this is not their best work.”

All the occupants in the room stared at me. 

“What? This band is more about the drama,” I defended myself.

Miyeon pointed at me. “You fucking listen to _Taylor Swift_!”

“Hey! She’s one of the greatest songwriters of our generation!” I said, defensively. “Okay, you still listen to that girl who used queer baiting, so— “

“Are you fucking serious?” Miyeon interjects while Yuqi snickers at that. “having a sick sense of humor in a lone track is a tiny bit different than a whole discography about exes.”

“Actually, both of them are really good,” Yuqi joins in.

Miyeon turned her attention to the younger girl. “You know what, Yuqi— “

“But, Miyeon-unnie and Shuhua, what if, we just respect everyone’s taste in music, even though they are absolutely repulsive?” 

“Wh— “

“Hey, can you guys, just sell me the record?” Oh, I forgot about the lady. “So, what’s gonna be?”

I’m done with this conversation. Chuckling, I said, “You guys figure this out,” then walks back to my office.

I can hear them shouting rock, paper, scissors.

The most important track is Number One. It’s gotta be familiar, but also unexpected. But most importantly, it’s gotta make you feel good.

_Track 1: This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) by Talking Heads_

Soojin always made me feel good.

To be honest, I never had a crush on her, and that it used to worry me about the long-term future. Because I liked her so much— I still do, thank you very much— and I used to think that maybe I only thought I did was so that I can get into her pants. But then, I realized that crushes usually are just a violent shove into a relationship to get it started. But with her, it’s a slow, gradual process. It’s gentle and calm. And warmer.

With Soojin, I changed my mind about that whole thing for a while. There wasn’t any grand confession of love or big romantic gestures or sleepless nights for either of us. And we carried on, anyway, because somehow we both knew how we felt for each other. And we never really have to look around to see what we’d got, because we already got each other. I didn’t know if you understand what I mean, but I hope you do.

Before, she would cook us dinner. It was kinda sweet really because Soojin was always busy, but she was making time for us, especially that night.

“Okay, here’s what I got. _Taylor Swift_ , _Lady Gaga_ , _Lorde_ , _Carly Rae Jepsen_ and _Adele_.” Looking at Soojin, I was satisfied with my list.

Soojin narrowed her eyes at her, accusing. “What about _Ariana Grande_?”

“I know, I thought about that, but what am I gonna do, not have _Carly Rae Jepsen_?”

“You told me that _thank u, next_ was a ‘cultural reset.’”

“I know. I said that. But, _Runaway With Me_! The sax! Even without her other tracks, she earns a spot just for that song!” 

“Hmm, yeah, I’ll give her that.” Soojin chuckled, then kissed my cheek. “Wait, I gotta go stir the sauce.” She stood up, not before giving her a peck on the lips.

“Okay, _cook_ , unnie,” I sarcastically said, earning a laugh from the older girl.

“Why can’t it just be ‘Top Six?’” Soojin asked from the kitchen, teasing.

“Very funny.” 

It was such a lovely night. We ate her red sauce pasta, which was really good. And later that evening, Soojin even had a glass of wine or two. It was such a lovely night that I spilled my drink on my shirt and I had to change.

And that was when I found a small, red velvet box in Soojin’s side of the drawer.

Later that day, I wasn’t in the mood for anything, so I left work early, leaving Yuqi and Miyeon to close the shop.

“Yo. Lock up, okay? I’m out.”

“You’re leaving? It’s Friday. No drinks?” Yuqi asked.

“Nah.”

“Seriously?” 

“I’m going home. You guys have fun,” I gave Yuqi a thumb’s up.

Miyeon, who was listening, slowly walked towards Yuqi and gave her a questioning look. “Yuqi-ah, does she seem sadder than usual or is it just the weather?”

“Well, she’s been kinda something today,” she answered as she packed up her things. “I may actually go check on her later. You should come with.”

“All right. Might as well check if she’s okay.” Miyeon nodded. “She’s always a little something.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. She started smoking again. She’s been listening to _Bleachers_.” Yuqi stopped, then frowned. “And she’s been working on this playlist. She’s just been kinda… something.”

“ _Bleachers?_ ” Asked Miyeon. 

The younger girl looked at Miyeon. “Oh, yeah, I remembered. Soojin-unnie is back in town.”

“Shit. You should have started this conversation with that.”

Friday night I reorganized my record collection. I often do this when I’m emotionally stressed. There are some people who would find this a pretty boring way of spending my evening, but I’ve always been comforted by doing this. 

When Soojin was here, she would help me arrange it in chronological order while listening to our favorite songs. But that night, though, I prefer something different, so I try to remember the order I got them. 

The moment I finished, I’m filled with a sense of gratification with my new file system, because it gave me a feeling of security. I had made something complicated, simple.

And it also helps finding new songs for my playlist.

Okay, so, track two.

There needs to be an element of… surprise.

Because what you’re saying here is:

_Keep listening._

There might be more here than you thought.

There’s a loud banging on my apartment door. Fuck, who is it, at this hour?

Opening the door, I saw Yuqi, who was holding a case of beer and Miyeon, who just barged into my apartment. I glared at them. “What are you guys doing here?”

“This is an emergency,” Yuqi replied, following a chuckling Miyeon inside the room.

“Speaking of emergencies,” Miyeon said, as she looks around the apartment. “What the fuck, Shuhua-ya! You need to clean!” Then the song playing in the background caught her attention. “Ooh, _Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together_! Amen, sister.”

They both grabbed a bottle of beer, before Yuqi asked, “Are you gonna include that song to your playlist?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” I said as I watched them settle down on my couch like they live here.

“Yo, I gotta tell you the truth. I kinda like Sad Shuhua,” Miyeon confessed before grabbing my phone checking out my queued songs. “Sad Shuhua has good taste.”

“You know, you really shouldn’t put two songs from the same album.”

“Oh, you gotta put Motown on your playlist! A fucking must. You gotta get the groove on.”

Yuqi and Miyeon are talking over one another.

“Okay, guys, what’s up?” I said loudly to get their attention. “What is this about?”

“We’re gonna go check out this girl Ryujin’s show at the local bar downtown. It’s sort of like _Sza_ meets _Kehlani_ kind of vibe. But not totally r&b, but more like pop, with like soul.” Miyeon explained.

“I think I’m good. I’m gonna stay in.”

“She’s busy,” Yuqi air quoted that, while glaring at me. “We’re gonna get wasted. So, you know what, if you want to stay here and die alone— “

Miyeon glared at our friend in my defense, then stood up and dragged Yuqi out of my apartment. “We’re gonna go.”

“Thanks for stopping by, kids.”

“You know where we’ll be,” Yuqi yelled before shutting the door.

Tonight is about quiet contemplation. Tonight I will go deep. Tonight… I go to my shit, deep.

_Track 2: Let’s Stay Together by Al Green_

You probably guessed what’s inside that velvet box. 

I left, you see, that night before Soojin was supposed to propose to me.

“Hey, Shuhua-ya,” she told her with her favorite pajamas on. “Where are you going?”

Grabbing my jacket as fast as I can. “I’m just gonna run down to the convenience store real fast.”

“Right now? It’s late.”

“Yes, Unnie. I forgot to buy Haku and Mata their food. They get antsy without eating anything. So I— I’m gonna go real quick,” I replied without looking at her. 

“Okay. You know that the new episode of _Killing Eve_ would be up in, like, minutes.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back in a flash.”

“Okay. Be careful,” I heard her say after closing the door.

“Fuck.”

I actually did go to the convenient store. And I honestly needed to buy stuff for my dogs. I also bought a pack of smoke. But, I didn’t really go straight back to my apartment. 

Yeah, I need to get out of here.

“Hey! Seven minutes and thirteen seconds,” Miyeon swooped, extending her palm to Yuqi, who is cursing under her breath. “Pay up, Yuqi-ah!”

“No, you said under seven minutes,” the younger girl argued but was smiling.

They were sitting on the sidewalk outside my apartment building, obviously waiting for me. These fuckers really know me so well.

Miyeon passed me one of the beers they bought earlier. “Yeah, and that didn’t include the seconds.”

“I’ve decided it’s actually easier for me to pay up than to have a discourse with you about the importance of seconds,” said Yuqi as she reached for her pocket.

“Whatever you say,” Miyeon snickered, then stood up. “Come on, Shuhua-ya, let’s get drunk!”

Okay. Next track.

_Track 3: Songbird by Fleetwood Mac_

They decided to walk our way to the bar. We stopped by the nearest convenience store and I bought a pack of cigarettes which earned a glare from the other two. And again, we had another stop over when Miyeon saw one of her acquaintances.

Lighting my cigarette, I noticed Yuqi studying me. 

“So, the playlist… What’s the theme?” The other girl finally spoke up.

I didn’t have to think that hard to answer the question. I already know what it is. “Love, I guess.”

“Cool. Classic.” Yuqi nodded. She wasn’t saying anything and just waiting for me to talk.

“I ran into Soojin,” I sighed, finally saying it.

“Yeah, I know,” Yuqi smiles at me, encouragingly. “So… Unnie’s back?”

“Yup. She’s back.”

“You gonna send it to her? The playlist?” 

“Oh! God, no,” I almost yelled. “It’s not, it’s like a therapy, for me.”

And it’s true.

“That’s actually good. Yeah. Makes sense,” Yuqi patted my arm. 

I smiled at her. She always understands. That’s why I love her.

“I’m back,” Miyeon shouts. “Let’s go!”

And this obnoxious one, too.

Next track.

_Track 4: There Is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths_

The three of us finally arrived at the bar. It’s an enormous place, with ceilings so high and might seem a bit fancy, if it weren’t for the neighborhood hippies that came here to have a beer or just by stand. We don’t come here that often, but if we do, it is only to check the bands that usually play here which no one barely listens to and, most of the time, suck. We’ll just spend the night drinking and making fun of them.

Tonight, though, the place is nearly full. I can hear lots of them whispering something about the artist playing, which means that most of them were here for her.

The artist we have come to see is Shin Ryujin. Yuqi told us about her on our way here and according to her, the girl got a record deal with a respected label already and was apparently good.

We already had our second drink when Shin Ryujin came onstage and five minutes afterwards, it seems like my frustration and annoyance for the past few days had vanished.

There are many songs that I’ve been trying to avoid since Soojin left, but the song that Shin Ryujin opens with, the song that left me awestruck, is not one of them. The song used to— not anymore— make me puke. It was a hit, back in the day, and everyone in school seems to have the same idea of playing it over and over again to the point that even listening to the first note of the song made me want to vomit. The song that left me awed is Shin Ryujin’s version of _Mariah Carey’s ‘We Belong Together.’_

Imagine Miyeon, Yuqi and I, with our beer in our hands in the middle of the dance floor, mouths opened, staring at the stage. Well, that was actually happening at the moment.

“I used to hate this song,” I said, eyes still fixed on the performing artist.

“Me, too,” Yuqi and Miyeon replied in chorus.

“Now, I kinda like it.” 

“Me, too.”

“If I wasn’t gay before, I’m probably am, right now,” the oldest of the three added.

It doesn’t stop there. Ryujin is pretty, in the traditional Korean beauty way— she looks like a mix of those two popular groups here— and I really dig her short blue hair. As a result of Shin Ryujin’s cover version of _‘We Belong Together,’_ I might have developed a crush on her.

Ryujin finished her set after an hour or so. She walks on the side of the stage where there’s a table with the artist’s EP on top of them. I only have enough money to buy myself another round of drinks, I bet my two friends too, but we still bought one for each of us. And to my horror, she speaks to us.

“Are you guys having a good time?”

We nod.

“That’s great!”

“Cool. Cool. Cool,” I said, and that seems to be the only word I know for the moment.

My brain might have completely shut down, so I just stand there playing with the hem of my jacket.

“Are you guys from around here?” She asked.

“Not far from here, actually. We heard you moved here,” Yuqi replied. Way to go, Song Yuqi, way to make us seem like we’re stalking her. 

“Yeah. This is sort of a random question. But do you guys know any good record shops around here? I haven’t had the chance to explore the city. So… “

What are the chances that this attractive girl was looking for something that I can effortlessly provide.

Yuqi and Miyeon almost fall over in their haste to explain.

“She owns one!”

“Idle Vinyl!”

“We work there!”

“You should come check it out!”

Ryujin laughs at the enthusiastic answers. “I will, for sure.”

We have been holding the line of people interested in her EP so we nicely smiled at her then turned around not before she asked me my name.

“I’m Ryujin, by the way. What’s yours?”

“Oh, I’m Shuhua. Cool set, Ryujin.”

We go back to where we were standing.

“What did you tell her about the shop for?” I ask the others.

“I didn’t think it was classified information,” says Yuqi. “I mean, we don’t have customers and I thought that was a bad thing. It’s a business strategy.”

“She won’t come in. And if she did, she’s just gonna waste our time.”

“No, of course not. That’s why she asked us about any good record shop, to waste our time.”

I know I’m being stupid, but I don’t want her coming to my shop. If she came then I might like her and then I’d probably be preoccupied. And I don’t want that. 

I want to be reminded of what I felt— feel for Soojin, everyday, every damn time.

I don’t want to move on.

I only want her.

And on the way home, I’m already reminiscing our moments together. Thinking of the things she made me feel. Things we could have been.

The last track is tough. 

It’s the last thing they’re gonna hear, and thus, the only thing they’re gonna remember.

So you’ve got to bring your message home.

_Track 5: Your Song by Elton John_

It was late when I got home. The apartment was dark and quiet. I found Haku and Mata and apologized to them for making them wait at the door. There’s no sign of Soojin. 

Placing the dog food I got from the convenience store earlier, I peeked inside my bedroom and found her sleeping, wrapped in our shared blanket and hugging my pillow. She looks so small and so… alone in my bed. 

I walked quietly towards the side of the bed and sat in the corner of the bed, watching Soojin sleep. There was a slight crease in her forehead, like she was having a bad dream. And I want to soothe it, but fuck. I put that there, that frown, I left her here when she wanted to spend her time with me, when she wanted to spend her whole life together with me.

“Jinjin-ah.” God, I feel sick. And even sicker, when Soojin looked at me, eyes red from crying.

“Where have you been?” Her voice, hoarse.

“I was at the bar.” 

I was fucking drinking at some random bar while someone was waiting for me.

Soojin sniffed. “You smell like alcohol and cigarettes.”

“I needed to think,” I said, looking anywhere but her. “I found the wedding ring.”

I heard her exhale heavily and felt the bed move as Soojin positioned herself beside me. “Why didn’t you tell me, Shuhua-ya.”

“Because, I was scared.”

“I can see that,” Soojin took my hand, squeezing it lightly. “But you could have said something.”

I nodded. I didn’t notice I was crying until Soojin wiped my tears with her free hand. Even after what I did, she was still here, holding me.

We look at each other. And when I mustered up the courage to tell her what I want, I said, “I’m not scared, anymore. Let’s get married.” I murmured, “If you’re still into that idea.”

“I am. I want to marry you,” Soojin confessed, intertwining our fingers. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said before we kiss.

_for soojin_

_1\. This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) by Talking Heads_

_2\. Let’s Stay Together by Al Green_

_3\. Songbird by Fleetwood Mac_

_4\. There Is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths_

_5\. Your Song by Elton John_

I hit send. And it was the last thing I did before I fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, I was awakened by the loud buzzing of my phone. And checked it. It was a message from Soyeon— Soojin’s best friend— asking me if I’m free for lunch today and she would like to hang out with me. 

I debated in my head if I really wanted to meet her because, of course, Soojin, but she’s always been nice to me. And I have grown closer to her during all those years that her best friend and I dated. It stays like that even after Soojin and I broke up, we exchange messages from time to time.

So I agreed.

Like her best friend, Soyeon is beautiful, though she has sharper features, while her best friend was more on the softer side, and can look a little intimidating at times. I’m still intimidated by her. 

When I first met her, I was not sure if it was the idea that I’m gonna meet Soojin’s best friend or that Soyeon seems cool at that time, I was nervous and stupid that I ended up blushing and a blubbering mess the whole dinner while the two girls are giggling at me.

Eventually, I got comfortable with her and we hung out even without Soojin. And sometimes we would tease Soojin because she would get jealous of Soyeon spending a lot of time with me. It doesn’t help that Soojin pointed out that her best friend adores me very much. She takes good care of me.

And like Soojin, she’s a good-hearted person and has a warm personality.

It was such a happy time.

I met Soyeon early that noon. She’s still nice to me. Asked how I was and what I was doing nowadays. And if I’m taking care of myself. She listens to everything I say and she is genuinely interested in what I’m saying. And she said how sorry she is for how it ended.

“Both of you have done each other good. You allowed Soojin, given her career and single-mindedness on her goal, to bring out herself and helped her to be more relaxed.” 

And I don’t know how to reply to that. 

Soyeon seems to sense that so she changed the topic, well, not totally. “Soojin moved back here. I think you should know.”

“First of all, thank you, Unnie, for telling me,” Shuhua smiles at the older girl. “But I, I already know. I ran into her on the street last week.”

“Oh, so are you okay?” Asked Soyeon, concerned.

“Umm, it was fine. It was good. We caught up,” I replied brightly. I don’t want Soyeon to worry. “No problem. It’s all good.” I added. “And, please, Soyeon-unnie, you don’t have to be careful with me. I can handle it.”

“I know,” Soyeon sighed. “I just wanted you to know that I always have your back.”

“I know that. Thank you, Unnie.”

“Thank god. To be honest, I don’t even think much of that Hui guy for my best friend.” 

What fucking Hui guy?

I can still hear Soyeon talking, but my mind is in somewhere else. I keep repeating those words in my head and wondering if I heard that right. And in the last minutes, I have been spacing off, it finally registered to me that Soojin is dating someone else.

“Shuhua? Shuhua-ya? Are you okay?”

Nope, I’m not okay.

What fucking Hui guy!


	4. What Fucking Guy

What fucking Hui guy?

I don’t know anyone called Hui. Soojin, as I remember, doesn’t know anybody called Hui either.

How do I know this?

We’ve known each other for three years, and been together for the most of it and I’ve never heard her mention a Hui. There’s no Hui at her work. She hasn’t got any friends called Hui, and she hasn’t got any friends with partners called Hui either. I won’t say that she has never met anyone called Hui in her whole life and last I checked, she lived in a completely Hui-less universe.

So, if Soojin does know a Hui in the big city of Seoul, she has to have met him in the short time she’s been back.

She’s been back for a couple of weeks and she met someone already. 

Cool. Fucking cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Couple of weeks? How serious could that even be?

I mean, what do people who have been together for a few weeks even do?

They have kissed. Just constantly going out for dates. And, maybe, sex.

I barely managed to block out the worst, most painful, most disturbing image in my head when I thought of that. This is the very worst thing, the thing that would bring anybody in my position out in the coldest and disgusting of sweats.

When someone leaves, the other party is sad (and yes, finally, after the numbness and the stupid optimism and the nonchalant shrug off by the shoulders, I admit that I am in fact upset, disappointed and ultimately sad). Is this what it’s all about? I definitely went through this period, after my other exes, of imagining them with other people doing it, and I had never, ever felt this dread.

I received a message later that afternoon from Soyeon, apologizing earlier about lunch and for bringing up the Hui thing, and that she thought I knew since I worked with Yuqi.

Apparently Yuqi knew about it, too. And she told me (after saying she only heard the news last week and followed with: “no offense, I love you, but you tend to overthink things a little. Remember when you broke up with Chorong-unnie and you spent, like, a whole month just listening to _The Cure_ and threatening to punch random people,” and that I tend to freak out, shut down and spend my time just thinking and muttering to myself about what went wrong) how long they are dating.

“Look, whatever, Yuqi. It’s not like it’s serious, okay,” I said, stammering a little, acting nonchalant. “She’s been back in town for, like a second. It’s fine.”

Yuqi, then, looked anywhere but me, jittery. She sighed, “they moved here together. They’ve been dating for six months.”

“Six fucking months?” I shouted. “We just broke up a year ago!”

“Look, I’m sorry,” Yuqi calmly said. “I didn’t tell you since I knew you’ll react this way. And it’s not my place.”

And the other girl was right. 

“Don’t apologize, Yuqi-ah. It’s fine, all right,” Collecting myself, I added, “I’m not that stupid. It was bound to happen at some point. Soojin has a new boyfriend.” 

“You just gotta get over this Soojin thing all right. Like, just find something to occupy your time. Some kind of distraction. Anything.”

I smiled at her, thankful.

“And he’s probably just some boring dude,” Miyeon interjects, as she came inside the office, probably heard the whole conversation. Then, she coughed, “Oh, by the way, she’s here.”

“Who’s in here?” I asked.

“Ryujin. That fine-ass singer from last night, is in the shop.”

Yuqi and I immediately stood up from where we were sitting and glanced at the window. 

Ryujin comes into the shop before closing. We were playing her EP, and when I saw her scrolling through our records, I tapped Yuqi beside me. “We should probably turn off her music.”

“On it.”

The three of us went out of the office and awkwardly greeted Ryujin.

“Sorry. Gonna turn that off,” I said as she began to walk towards me. She giggled and said something about it, and then I turned it back on again, blushing slightly.

Ryujin was saying something about how nice my shop was and I was kind of embarrassed and nervous, and preventing me from making a fool out of myself by asking her out for a drink then she would turn me down flat and I’d feel like an idiot. So, I excused myself, saying something about being busy— I heard Yuqi and Miyeon snickering— and went back to the office and didn’t come out until she left. Yuqi and Miyeon sold her a few records.

They exploded into the room, dancing a little before saying. “She invited us to her gig tonight at Cube lounge. And we’re on the guest list! All three of us.”

The last few hours, I experienced a lot. I had humiliated myself in front of somebody I might be interested in, and found out that Soojin was dating someone else.

I don’t want to go to Cube lounge.

I can’t go to a show right now.

Ryujin is hot. But, umm, I’m kind of in a weird place.

And this state, this Hui-atheism, lasts until I get home. On the windowsill of my apartment where Soojin put her post-it reminders, something about meeting with potential customers and suppliers did I remember, the guy who owned the company supplying for Soojin’s business.

I’m shaking when I remember Lee Hui. I knew it was him the moment I saw those notes. I remember Soojin going up to meet him a couple of times. I remember Soojin doing business meetings with him and certainly telling stories about how polite and respectful the guy was. He would be just anyone’s dream boyfriend— rich, handsome and kind— someone that your parents would be proud of you dating. I didn’t think much about him then, and I fucking hate him now.

I should say, even though I did not feel like saying it, that I think I’m an okay person. I can even say that I’m attractive. Some people in my circle told me that I’m charming and a good looking girl. I’m a bit small, not slim, but not fat either. I kept myself clean and an okay dresser, with my bohemian, kind of an indie artist vibe though sometimes I prefer baggy clothes. I’m not rich, but I have enough savings to survive and a shop for my everyday expenses. I definitely believe that my mother raised me to be a polite and well-mannered person, I think.

I know enough to know what Soojin likes.

So, ‘Hui’ and Soojin bothers me so much.

During that evening, I couldn’t stop my head from creating images of Soojin and Hui being perfect together, Soojin laughing, Soojin kissing him and both of them listening to music. And I’m pleased to think that it was just in my head. But the pleasure only lasts for a few seconds and then everything sinks in: Somewhere, they are really doing all those things and Soojin is really doing it with him and I’m here, a twenty-something girl, in my apartment, on my own, alone.

And it’s only beginning to occur to me that it’s important to have something going on somewhere, at home or at work, otherwise I’m just clinging on.

I clear away the reminder in my apartment— the post, the extra pillow on the couch, the blanket lying in my bed, the coffee mug with a cute dog in the kitchen. I put the _Strange Desire_ record on, and when I listened to _I Wanna Get Better_ , I opened a bottle of beer, sat down and smoked some cigarettes.

I still wonder if my mother has psychic power or something, but she ended up calling me at this very moment.

“Hello, honey.”

“Mum, hi.”

“Everything’s all right?”

“I’m good.”

“Are you having a good week?”

“It’s alright.”

“How’s the shop doing?”

“Same old. Same old.” I have a feeling that she didn’t call me to ask if my business is thriving since it’s been the same for years. This is about something else. That something else is Soojin. She probably heard it from somebody.

“I’m worried about you.”

“Yeah, thanks. But I told you, I’m fine.”

“You probably know that Soojin’s back. Her mum called me. You two were perfect for each other.”

She’s gone, Mum. She left me. Soojin had moved on. I want to say, but nope. Can’t do it. I don’t want her to add to the list of people who constantly worry for me and my state of mind.

“All is good. It wasn’t the right fit, I guess… “

I don’t know how to feel knowing that my Mum and Soojin’s family are close and still in contact with each other even after the fallout. I’ve witnessed them before, chatting up like they have known each other for over decades.

“I’m surprised that you are not ignoring us again and went to beg her to get back together.”

Come on, Shuhua. Don’t let her words get to you. Don’t talk about it. Don’t… fucking hell.

“Mum, she left me. Moved on. Already dating a nice lad. So please, you should, too.”

“She’s with someone else?”

“Yes, Mum. Just… Can we not talk about it?”

There is a long silence. The silence is long enough for me to know that my mom is thinking carefully about what she’s about to say.

“Hello? Are you still there?”

And now I can hear something— the sound of my mother crying softly. What the fuck? What is it with my mother and Soojin? Why does she love Soojin, so much— oh, I know, out of all the people, why. I don’t regret introducing my family to Soojin’s because we became this sort of big, loud, extended family, but hearing my mother this upset, made me. And my Mum and I are close and similar in that she kind of conveys what I feel, too.

“Mum, come on. It’s true, I’m fine. You don’t have to be this upset.”

“I can’t help it, hon. She was so good for you.”

“And I know that. But she left. She doesn’t want me anymore. Both of us should just accept that.” It’s so painful to say that, but I have to, I have to finally acknowledge that.

“What are you going to do now, honey?”

“I’m going out with my friends later. Then maybe meet a nice girl or something.”

“If only it was that easy.”

“It’s not. But it’s not bad to think about it, right?

She’s almost smiling. I can hear it. I’m beginning to see some promise in the situation.

“But I still don’t know why she left.”

“Knowing won’t change what happened, mum. Just let it be.” Just let it be, Shuhua.

“Okay, honey. Take care of yourself. And please, please for god’s sake the next girl you date should also know how to cook.”

I know she was just kidding. But I guess, it’s not a bad idea.

“Yes, mum. Be careful. Love you.”

“Love you, too, honey.”

After that, I called Yuqi to ask them about the gig. And well, you guessed, that she and Miyeon were already in Cube. She yelled, or both of them did: “Hey, Shuhua, come here. Ryujin’s set is about to start.” Those fuckers didn’t even wait for me. 

I hailed a cab outside my building, which I don’t usually do since, fuck, they are expensive. I was bitter about spending a bit of money for a short ride.

The Cube lounge is the spot. Our spot.

It was smaller than the other bar, so it’s full. It was much nicer too, and the drinks are cheaper. 

It is just one of the only places that feels like home to me.

Plus, me and Soojin had our first kiss here, so… there’s that.

Okay, some good shit here:

  1. I got to the bar and caught up with the second verse of _We Belong Together,_ though I was still thinking about the cab fare.
  2. I didn’t feel as awed as before, during it though, I felt slightly sick.
  3. We got a mention: “Is Shuhua, Yuqi and Miyeon I see down there? Nice to see you again, guys!”
  4. Free promotion, I guess: “You guys should check out, Idle Vinyl!”
  5. After the set, Ryujin hangs out with us.



I know my self-esteem was not high at the moment, and I know that most women are not really interested in other women. But I’m definitely sure that Ryujin was flirting with me. And Yuqi and Miyeon noticed that too.

We were sitting at a round table. Ryujin offered me the seat beside her, and the moment she did that I’m lost, gone away. But immediately starting to worry that Yuqi or Miyeon would tell embarrassing stories about me, then she’ll lose interest and, as she had no interest in the first place, that would put me into an awkward situation.

Yuqi and Miyeon are arguing about everything or Miyeon sharing her ideas for her 'album' which she’s been talking about for years. And we’d been teasing her about it, asking about what her sound was and all those questions about her music and Miyeon would only say: “good art takes time.”

And Ryujin was listening, but then she turned to me and asked me if everything was alright.

I shrugged.

I can hear Yuqi and Miyeon whispering to each other after that. 

“They seem into each other.”

“Yeah, I know. Thank God. Shuhua needs a break.”

Maybe, they were right. I needed a break. I needed a distraction. And as far as distractions go, it could be worse.

So, if what Yuqi said that, it’s not what you’re like, but what you like that matters, then Ryujin and I are Exhibit A. We bond over books, TV, music, films. We express our shared opinions on _Phoebe Waller-Bridge,_ _Taylor Swift_ and pop music. 

The evening went well and I can kind of see what’s supposed to happen, but you can’t believe it’s ever going to get there, even though afterwards it seems obvious.

When I begin to get the feeling that we’re having a good time, I give her chances to get away. But when I don’t share my thoughts on the topic, Ryujin would ask me directly. 

Later that night, Yuqi and Miyeon were so drunk that they had to excuse themselves. 

“I gotta go home. I’m done,” Yuqi said, hugging me.

“Yo, Shuhua-ya. I gotta tell you the truth,” Miyeon slurring a little. “Gonna be late on Monday.”

“You’re late every day,” I pointed out, laughing.

“You know me so well. That’s why I love you.”

“Alright. You guys, be careful.”

“You, too. Bye Shuhua-ya!”

And I’m kind of drunk too, that while I was waiting for Ryujin, I imagined Soojin was the one who comes out of the door, smiling with that gorgeous face of hers.

“Hey, you ready?” a female voice asked. It was Ryujin.

Well, you see, she invited me back to her place. And it’s not like I enthusiastically agreed. 

So, her place is very much like my apartment. It’s so much like my place before. There was a new record player at the table in the corner and there was a collection of books, albums and DVDs, and there was a small cozy piece of furniture too. It’s so depressing that Ryujin just moved here but it looked like she’s already settling in while my own place looked like someone just dumped their stuff there. It looked so empty without Soojin things in there.

She went to play one of the _The Temptations_ records and went to the kitchen to grab us a bottle of wine (she didn’t ask me If I wanted one when I prefer beer, but this was the first bum note she did all evening so I don’t feel like complaining) and we sat down on the couch. I ask her questions about her hometown, about her record deal, and other people there. She also asked me loads of questions about my ex, and she talked well about her. She was understanding of my situation and even joked a bit— she has a dry, self-deprecating humor like me.

It felt kind of intimate, even for me to talk about these things about Soojin to her. 

I have completely forgotten how it happened, but after that we were kissing, and half of me is telling me not to worry, and the other half is feeling pleased with myself, and these two halves didn’t make a whole for me and it left room to think about shit in my life. I start wondering whether I have ever really enjoyed this sort of stuff, the physical sensation or whether it’s just something I felt like I should do. I squeezed my eyes shut to get rid of these thoughts. And when the train stopped, we were no longer on the couch but instead making out in her bed. 

You’ve probably guessed what happened next.

“Are you okay?” Ryujin asked me after we were done.

“Yeah,” I nod. “You?”

“I am. But I wouldn’t be if you thought that this is a one time thing.”

When I was a teenager, I used to lie awake at night hoping that women would say things like that to me. But now, it just makes me panic.

“Is it?”

“No. In that case, I’ll fix us something to eat. I don’t have any supplies, right now. Are eggs good?” 

“Yup,” I replied. I followed her to the kitchen to get myself another drink. I need it so I’ll have an excuse if nothing happens, or if things happen too quickly.

“You know, I really thought you didn’t like me.” she says. “You’d never said more than two words to me before this evening.”

“Did that pique your interest?”

“Kind of, I guess,” Ryujin said. “Not to be that person, but I’m used to people seeking my attention. And my ex was a bit on the obsessive side so… “

“So, um… how long ago was that person?”

“We broke up last year. After my high school graduation.”

After high schoo— what?

“I’m sorry. How old are you?”

“Nineteen.” 

Oh, she’s very young.

“Um… uh… I just remembered that I have an early thing tomorrow,” I have to excuse myself. “I have to go.”

As far as I’m concerned, I absolutely have nothing against dating someone younger in this case. It’s just the idea doesn’t sit well with me, right now.

Ryujin looked at me. “What? I— I mean, we still got this snack.” 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” I said as I picked up my clothes on the floor. “I just need to go.”

“Okay, yeah, cool.” Ryujin followed me as I made my way to the door. “I have a lot of stuff lined up this week but I can— I mean, can I call you?”

“Sure. Give me a call. Bye.”

What’s wrong with me? Nothing and everything. Nothing: We are both adults, we had a good evening, we had sex, we even had a nice conversation. Everything: I kept trying to look for something wrong and kept having thoughts about my stupid shit. 

It doesn’t feel better. Why don’t I feel better? Why do I never get any better?

Why do all my relationships end with me feeling like this?

Okay.

What’s fucking wrong with me? Seriously?

I need answers.

I need to know.

The morning after, I rummaged my old stuff to look for my high school yearbook. And there I found what I’m looking for.

So, I pulled out my phone and dialed the number.

It took three rings before someone answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this the Chou residence?”

“Yes.”

“Hi! Umm, this is Yeh Shuhua? I’m an old friend of Tzuyu’s? I used to live across the street from you?”

“I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?”

“Yeh Shuhua? I was just wondering if you had a number I could reach her at or— “

“I’m sorry. But Tzuyu already moved abroad with Sana.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“They moved there to get married and haven’t come back since.”

“Oh.”

“You can reach her on Facebook if you’d like. I gotta go now. Have a great day.”

Holy shit.

Tzuyu and Sana are still together. She married her. They are married. They married each other. Kissed me behind the bleachers. Kissed Tzuyu behind the bleachers, married Sana.

This is tremendous.

The end of our relationship had nothing to do with me, or any failings on my part and I can feel the Chou Tzuyu scar healing over.

It was fate. It was destiny. It was beyond my control.

I am… fine now. 

I want more. I wanna talk to all the others in the big Top Five: Yontararak Minnie, the nice girl who wouldn’t let me touch her. Song Yuqi, whom I formed a great bond. Park Chorong, I have to thank her for lifting my self confidence. And Soojin. Especially Soojin. I need to know. What exactly? I don’t know. Just talk. See how they all are and ask whether they have forgiven me for fucking things up. 

Feelings can’t be so different, can they? I’d like to talk to them and say good luck and goodbye, then they’d feel good and I’d feel good. Well, maybe they won’t feel good, but I’ll feel great.

Break the pattern of heartbreak. 

Free myself.

Wouldn’t that be great? If I saw all of them in turn and there were no hard feelings left, I’d feel clean, and calm and ready to start again.


	5. The Idea

One down, four to go.

If you need answers, you need to go to the source.

And I need to know two things: 1.) Why am I doomed to be left and; 2.) Why am I doomed to be rejected?

So, I’m gonna ask them. All of them.

The next person on the Top Five List is—

What is she doing there?

I was walking down the street, tea in my hand, cigarette on the other, pumped up with my new idea, when I saw Yuqi inside a fancy coffee shop. I wonder why she is even there.

I was a bit excited, so I did an embarrassing thing and knocked on the window of the shop, earning a few looks from the customers and then Yuqi shushed and gestured to me to ‘go away,’ which I mistaken for ‘get inside.’

I hopped on besides Yuqi on her line. She just smiled at me. I was a bit weirded out by her lack of words.

“What’s up?” I tried starting a conversation.

“Nothing’s up,” Yuqi replied, shrugging. “I’m just… just getting a regular coffee.”

That was odd. She doesn’t like coffee.

I stared at Yuqi, looking for anything wrong with her. “I’m sorry. But are you Song Yuqi?”

“I just thought I would try it out,” Yuqi coolly said, acting a bit nonchalant.

“But you don’t like coffee.” I frowned a little.

“Yeah, I don’t know. They have other options.”

Getting a little distracted by the song playing in the background, I asked, “Is this Hozier?”

Normally, Yuqi would share her opinion about anything related to music, but surprisingly, she just said, “Hmm, yeah, probably.”

I don’t know what was going on with her and usually I’d bother her for telling me, but I have to share my idea.

“I talked to Chou Tzuyu’s parent this morn— “

“Hold on,” Yuqi inquired, though a bit distracted. “Chou-who’s-parent?”

“Tzuyu? My first girlfriend.”

“Oh— okay,” said Yuqi, as we moved forward in the line. 

“Number one on my ‘Top Five All-Time Heartbreak’ list?” I casually informed her. “Left me for Minatozaki Sana. I told you about this.”

Without looking at me, she asked, “You Top Five-d your All-Time Heartbreaks?”

“Yeah,” I noticed Yuqi staring at the counter and seemed nervous.

“Should we, maybe, wait until after I have my drink, to go wherever this is going?”

“Yeah, cool man. Do your thing,” But, fuck, I can’t stay still. I need to share this piece of information. “She married her! Tzuyu married Sana! Isn’t that incredible! I mean, this whole time I thought she rejected me. But no, it was fate.”

“There you go, Shuhua-ya.”

“I feel fucking free, Yuqi!” I yelled, again earning a few looks from the people in the line. But I don’t care, I feel energized. “Which is why I’m reaching out to everyone else on the list.”

“Everyone else?”

I nodded, even though she can’t see me since she’s been laser focused in front. 

“There are more lessons to be learned here, Yuqi-ah.” I continued.

Yuqi sarcastically replied. “You mean, like ‘that it has been just fate and none of it was your fault’ lesson?”

“Can you take this seriously, please?” A bit offended, I narrowed my eyes to her. 

“I just worked with what you said.”

Ignoring that, I carry on. “Okay, so my idea was to go chronologically, but since you’re here, I’ll start with you. I’m hoping you can help me understand: Why am I doomed to be left? Why am I doomed to be rejected?”

“Wait, hold on. You’re asking me?” That caught the other girl’s attention. “You think I rejected you?” Then she looked at me in disbelief. “Shuhua, have you forgotten that we didn’t date? That we didn’t even like each other, romantically?”

“Yeah, but we had this thing, you know?” 

“What thing? And you, Top Five Heartbreak-d me?” 

Before I can answer, the person in front of us asked our order.

“What can I get for you two?”

“I’m good,” I answered while Yuqi told the lady her order.

If I wasn’t so wrapped up with my thought, I would have noticed the way Yuqi smiled and blushed at the barista. She even gave her a tip, for fuck’s sake! We don’t do that around here.

“Okay, besides the fact that we only like each other platonically, are there other things about me, any traits you think that could have factored into us not being together?” I kept talking, making Yuqi drag me away from the counter while she waited for her order.

“Yeh Shuhua.” That stopped me from my never ending questions. The older girl just sighed. “I still make you playlists. I still say you are cute, even if you are being a little annoying. And I still spoil you.”

I made a face. “What’s your point?”

“My point here is, Shuhua-ya, I always treated you the same, ever since. And we’re still together. I never left. Okay? Do you get it?”

Oh. 

“Yeah. I get it. Thank you!” I hugged her. Of course, Yuqi stayed. She didn’t break my heart! She’s still here! And I’m sure that she’ll stay for a very long time.

“Okay, okay!” Yuqi shook her head, smiling. But suddenly remembered something. She said, “Please, take me off your goddamn list.”

Smiling widely, I nodded. “Okay! Done.”

“Order for Yuqi-ssi,” the same barista called to the older girl. 

Yuqi took a deep breath before she made her way back to the counter again. This time, I noticed how the lady was smirking at her.

Hmm, interesting.

“You’re really gonna talk to all of them?” The older girl asked after she got her ‘coffee.’

I smirked, conspiratorially at her. “So, did you get her number?”

“Wh— “ Yuqi was startled, but then sighed deeply. “N— Hey, it’s not. What?!”

“Uh, uh. That won’t do, Yuqi-ah. What happened to you? You used to be so good at this.” I said, mockingly. “And you need to move on.”

“That’s rich, coming from you.” Yuqi rolled her eyes. “Back to your list. Are you really? Every single one of them?”

“Yeah. Two down, three to go!” I cheered.

“Even— “

“Yes. Every single one.”

“Okay. I have to say it. I think this is crazy.”

“Uh, nope. You, not getting that barista’s number, is crazy,” I commented as we walk our way to our shop.

Yuqi and I were surprised when we got there and found Miyeon. As you know, our friend is always late. Always, as in every freaking working day.

“Don’t start.” Before we could comment on that and she said, “You know, somebody got to pick up the slack around here.”

And then we noticed a handwritten notice, taped on the tiny board besides the door. It reads as follows:

LOOKING FOR A BAND (BASS, DRUMS, GUITAR) SHOULD BE BAD-ASS VISIONARY ETC. CONTACT THE BEAUTIFUL LADY IN THE SHOP

The advertisement was obviously from Miyeon. Her music career idea had been floating around for years and it seemed like it was only that, an idea. We still support her, nonetheless.

Okay, now, next on the list, Yontararak Minnie.

She’s easy.

She’s easy to track down, I mean. You got the irony?

We are in the digital era and almost all the information you need can be at the palm of your hand with just a tap on your mobile device. And it helped that Minnie is quite famous on Instagram with her song covers. Well, this is the hard part. Would she remember me, or even notice me sliding into her DMs?

“Hey, guys,” I called Yuqi and Miyeon’s attention. “What are the chances of someone seeing my message on Instagram, if I say that they have at least a hundred thousand followers on it?”

The two of them stood behind me looking at my phone. 

Miyeon had to glance twice at my device before she asked, “you are stalking Kim Minnie? Are you that kind of person now?”

“I’m not stalking her.” I glared at her.

“What, you just ‘looking at her feed like any normal person,’” Miyeon said, mockingly, but then it dawns on her. “Oh shit. Is she the ‘Yontararak Minnie?’ The one in your Top Five All-Time Boohoo list?”

Wait a minute. I haven’t told her about the list yet.

“Song Yuqi!”

“She’s very intuitive.” Yuqi defended herself.

“No, listen. I support you, Shuhua-ya,” Miyeon assured me. “If you want to take a vision quest and go into your past and sort some shit out, that’s cool.” Then added, “If you want, I know a guy who’s good with this hacking— “

“No, Unnie! We can go to jail for that!” Yuqi and I yelled in chorus.

“What? Do you have any ideas?” She asked. “That girl is an internet royalty. She worked with other popular artists in our country.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“Are you sure you dated her?”

“Miyeon-unnie, you were there! You met her.”

She took my phone and shook her head. “Ooh. She left it on seen.”

Okay, well, not that easy.

Miyeon, then, walked towards the door and stared at her ad. So Yuqi had to comment on that.

“I think it would help if you can be a little more specific about what your sound is?” Yuqi suggested.

Our friend glared at her, and then replied. “I think it would help if you would stop wearing those big ass hoodies, but you don’t see me all up in your business, do you, Yuqi?”

“I’m just trying to help,” The younger girl said as calmly as she can, like she was taming a beast.

Miyeon looked at her for a while before giving in, “All right, go ahead, what is it?”

“I just think that you should use more certain words for the readers to latch on it.” She explained. “Every artist thinks they are bad-ass and a visionary, that’s why most of them are pretentious assholes.”

“So I’m a ‘pretentious asshole?’” Miyeon was ready to punch the older girl.

“No!” Yuqi defended herself. “Just be like, a little more specific, like a more genuine, like show people what you are, who you are.”

“But I am a bad-ass?”

“Yes, of course you are. But it’s a general thing. You need someone to see something and they’ll be like, ‘oh, I get that.’” 

Miyeon stayed silent, she seems like she’s considering Yuqi’s suggestion.

“Hmm. Okay, I feel what you are saying.” Miyeon nodded.

Even before I can share my thoughts, my phone rang. 

“Hi, is this Shuhua?” A soft voice said.

“Speaking.”

“Hi, it’s Minnie.”

Fuck.

There was a giggle on the phone. Shit, I think I said that out loud. 

Our conversation ended quickly, since she had a schedule in a minute, but told me that she was surprised to hear from me, but not, I think, displeased, and said she’ll message me the details later. We arranged to go to dinner tonight.

We went out for pizza, which was her choice. I thought she’d prefer something fancier, I even dressed up, with my gray pant suit I only wear for special occasions. But it was a stupid mistake on my part. I should’ve known that despite her career, Minnie was still the same, the nice and modest girl that I met back in college. And I feel a bit like a jerk sitting in front of her.

She looks different now, I mean she still looks the same, beautiful, more so even with her light brown hair and her effortless clothes— I cannot help but notice the people on the other table keep looking at her and nudging each other. But there was something about her that exudes confidence, like she was so sure of herself and yet so familiar, so comfortable. 

We spent the night talking about her work, what was it like, and her life and mine too. The dinner wasn’t enough so we moved to a nice bar downtown where at first I thought she would look out of place but she just fit right in. It was easy— no pun intended, because at the end of that meeting I realized that she was easy because we always just click— to talk to her and I’m sure that she thought the same thing.

I could end up falling for her again if it weren’t for these questions nagging my mind. So, I just launched into my story about us, with no real explanation.

I tried to tell it in a lighthearted, self-deprecatory way, but she was stunned and really crestfallen. She puts her glass down and looks away, and I can see that she was close to tears.

“I wish you hadn’t told me that,” she says.

“I’m sorry. I just thought, you know, a long time ago and all that.”

“Well, it obviously doesn’t seem that long ago to you.”

That’s fair.

“No. But I just thought I wanted to say something.”

“Why this sudden need to talk to me, anyway?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I just… “

And then I told her, on the contrary, I do know: I told her about Soojin and the rest of the Top Five list. And I try to explain to her that I feel like everyone that I dated seemed to end up with me being rejected, and that she did too, and perhaps she would be able to help me understand why it kept happening, why I was apparently doomed to be left.

And she told me, softly, too soft, too sad, frankly speaking, about what she remembers: that she was miserable, that she wanted her first to be with me, only me, but not when we were still kids and that she cried and cried, and hated me for a while. And that it was me who rejected her, not the other way around. And that she didn’t date anyone for a long time after the breakup because she couldn’t move on.

Oh, my god, she’s right. 

I broke up with her. I rejected her.

“Anyway, it was really good to see you, Shuhua.”

We ended the night on a good note and we both decided to hang out sometimes which I thought wouldn’t be a good idea because, fuck, I might end up asking her out.

There was this idiotic thing that people who can’t get over with someone, about 'the one that got away,' and I think that they may have something there.

That made me think, what if I finished college and I didn’t. I may have a smart, interesting career like her and I wouldn’t worry about something as simple as a cab fare because I may not be rich but at least I have a stable job. And maybe, Minnie and I would still be together.

It’s funny to wonder about it now, like from the short time we spent together, I had proven that theory: You wouldn’t know what it feels until you experience it; and the flood of ‘what ifs.’

But, I should feel great. Because I broke up with her. I rejected her.

The same night, before the dinner, I left a message for Park Chorong. From what I’ve heard she still lives here in Seoul. And there wouldn’t be a problem contacting her since we had few common friends, I can reach out to get to her. A common friend. A common. That ‘common’ one is Seo Soojin.

Shit.

I realized now that it would be harder to get a hold of Chorong now. I’ll just have to hope and wait for her to respond to me.

Patience, Shuhua. Patience.

A few days later, Chorong messaged me back. She’s apologetic about not having replied sooner, because she’s been away at a conference and invited me to her flat to catch up.

It was a slow day, until something happened. Yuqi sees her first, she nudges me, and we watch fascinated as this girl stares at the notice, although when he turns around to see which of us might be ‘beautiful lady in the shop,’ we quickly get on with what we were doing. She’s neither hip, nor tough— though her face. She has long and wavy black hair with sharp eyes. Eventually she comes up to the counter and gestures back towards the door.

“Who’s the 'beautiful lady' in the shop?’”

“I’ll get her for you.”

I went into the stockroom a.k.a. my office, a.k.a. Miyeon’s sleeping spot. She was there, having a lie-down.

“Hey, Miyeon-unnie. There’s someone interested about your ad.”

She opened her eyes and looked at me. “No shit.”

“Not kidding. She wants to talk to you.”

She got to her feet and walked through to the shop.

“I’m here.”

“I’m Jennie. Is that your ad?”

“Yup.”

“Can you play instruments?”

“Nope,” Miyeon’s all-consuming desire to play at Melon Music Awards has never driven her to do anything as mundane as learn an instrument.

“But can you sing, right?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re looking for a singer.”

“What sort of stuff are you into?”

“The kind that you mentioned in the ad. But we want to be a bit more experimental, like including rap and our sound. Yet still retain our pop element.”

God help us.

“Hmm. That sounds great.”

For real?

“We haven’t got any gigs or anything. We’ve only just started the band. But we’ll see how we go. Is that alright?”

“Fine.”

The girl wrote down an address and the name of the band: BLACKPINK, shakes Miyeon’s hand, and then left. Yuqi and I gape at her back view, just in case this girl turns around and says that she was just kidding. Miyeon just tucks the address into her pocket and puts on a record, as if what has just happened was not the kind of push that most of us have been waiting for.

“What?” She says. “What’s up with you two? It’s just a band. Nothing special. And besides, she’s cute.”

You know, Seoul is full of people who make you feel not enough.

There’s always someone more successful or richer or prettier than you.

Chorong made me feel not enough. She also made me feel special.

Until she left me. After which I felt especially not enough.

It wouldn’t be until Soojin, that a person made me feel both special and enough. And if you find that person in this fucking city, you’re crazy if you let them go.

Turns out, I’m crazy.

When Chorong opens the door, my heart sinks: She looks gorgeous. She still has the perfect dark hair, but it is longer now, and she is still as elegant looking than ever. For a second, I start to worry that I’ll have a crush on her again, and I’ll make a fool of myself again. She hugged me and told me that I looked prettier and that it was great to see me, and told me she was sorry about what happened between Soojin and I. I had a sudden panic when I remembered why I’m actually here.

Once I walked into the flat, I could immediately see that I’m doomed to die alone, sad and broke. Everything was very fancy around, yet it was balanced by the shelves of hundreds or thousands of books and the appearance that someone was actually living there. And the moment I saw it, I thought: Can I experience a life like this?

Though it soothed me down, during dinner that Chorong was still the same person as before, the only difference is that she was more mature now.

I don’t want to think about it right now but Soojin and Chorong were similar in a way but so different. Maybe, that’s why they are friends.

I enjoyed the evening, even though I haven’t asked the questions that've been floating around in my head. When I— Chorong doesn’t drink— started drinking the offered wine— my taste had been improving lately, thanks to these meetings— it was only when I had the courage to ask her.

“Chorong-unnie, why did you leave me? Why do you think I am doomed to be rejected?” I already had alcohol in my system and it seems like a good idea just to go for it.

She looks at me hard. “It this about your break-up with Soojin?”

“What?”

“Or are you going through one of those what-does-it-all-mean things?” She asked, furrowing her brow.

I cannot tell a lie. “Both, actually. Yes.”

She smiled at me, and then sighed.

“It’s okay, I can take it.” I tell her, generously.

“I always thought that you were charming and thoughtful. And I just, I loved the way that you just got consumed by all of the things that you loved. But I just felt like I was just outside, watching you? When I was supposed to be there with you.”

I don’t really get what she’s saying. 

“You just always seemed like, how do I put this, in search of yourself? And you could be too in touch with your feelings.”

Chorong had said all these the nicest way possible, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I thought there were just scars, but now it was newly opened wounds.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to be honest. I hope it’s not that hurtful.”

It was, really, but it was also what I deserve. I wanted an answer, and I got it. Just a perfect clear explanation of why she left me.

On my way to the bar, I realized that Chorong didn’t just point out the problems of my past relationships but also about my own issues.

“So, did you get the answers you were looking for?”

Yuqi and Miyeon were looking at me, curious.

“She’s very… blunt,” I said, trailing off. “You know, Chorong-unnie told me like I was always in a bubble and that I’m ‘too in touch with my feelings.’”

I was waiting for some support or even a comment, but the two of them just looked at me and nodded. I inquired, “What?”

“Those are not the words I would use.“

“What? No! Not at all. I won’t really say you are like that.”

They replied immediately, talking over one another.

I took a big swig of my beer. “I think I'm done with this whole thing. I’m done.”

“Good! Good!” Yuqi and Miyeon said in chorus.

“You know, it’s weird and stupid.”

“I’m glad you finally realized that,” Miyeon added.

I sighed. “Although— “

“Fuck me.” Yuqi muttered while Miyeon stared at me.

“Why should I believe what she said? It was years ago, anyway.” I added.

“Yup, forget about it.” The two of them agreed.

“I should... I need to ask the last person who broke up with me!” I yelled like it was the best idea.

“I thought you were done with this?” 

“What the actual fuck? No.”

“Yes!” I celebrated. “Lessons. God, lessons are to be learned. My idea is fucking awesome.”

“And you are gonna end up fucked, if you keep up with this list shit, all right?” Yuqi, her face serious, scolding me. “Now, you are gonna forget about that idea of yours and sit here until we got drunk and go home.”

“No!” I countered. “This is about not being fucked up.”

“Exactly!” Miyeon said. “Which is why you need to stop.”

I wondered. “Why?”

“Because the only remaining person on your list, is the one who actually broke your heart.” Yuqi explained.

Miyeon, then, pointed out. “Soojin is next.”

“Just, don’t do it.”

I can still hear them talking, but I made up my mind. I want to know. I want to fucking know. And maybe, I’m kind of hoping, too.

“Nope. Fuck it. I’m doing it.”

Four down. One to go.

I worried about what it would be like, coming to Soojin, but it’s fine: The unreliable sense of confidence I’d had since I left the bar is still with me. And anyway, I was just here to talk, not to get back together… right.

Now, I’m standing in front of her apartment. I’ve been here for half an hour and I can’t seem to find the courage to knock. I kept imagining what she would say if she sees me here like: “What are you doing, Shuhua?” or “Why are you here?”

But, fuck. I don’t think this is a good idea.

I decided to just go home, but when I turned around, Soojin was there, staring at me, and I remember that it’s not supposed to be a feel-good moment.

“Hey, Shuhua-ya.”

“Hey, unnie.”

“What are you doing here?” Soojin asked, just standing, not even making a move to get inside her place.

“Nothing,” I replied, then immediately added. “Um, I mean, I was just with Miyeon-unnie and Yuqi, and we were talking and I was gonna walk home and then I remembered Soyeon-unnie mentioned that you live around here now, so I thought, maybe I should stop— “

Soojin’s giggling stopped me from talking and smiled. “Shuhua-ya, do you want to go inside?”

“Yeah, sure. That’ll be great.”

We were pretty quiet when we got inside. It’s weird seeing her there. Not when I used to see her in my apartment doing her thing; walking around my space with her hair in a high bun, singing on top of the record she chose herself and dancing around. She started to go into the kitchen and fixed her groceries.

The silence was so uncomfortable, intense and unhappy that I wonder why it had become like this. I sneak a look at her, trying to see if the last year has made any difference in her face. She had a different hair color— black— and it is shorter now, just above her shoulder and it suits her. It’s because you can clearly see her face. She’s not wearing any make-up, and yet she still looks very beautiful.

But then, I’m beginning to panic about the pain and difficulty of the impending conversation.

Soojin was having a hard time with her groceries so I helped her. She said her thanks and offered me a drink after.

I noticed a record player in the living room once we settled in. “You got your own.” 

“You trained me well.” Soojin smiled knowingly at her, then playfully nudged me. “I received your playlist.”

“I’m really sorry about that.” 

“Yeah, it was out of nowhere.” Soojin pointed out but she gave this comforting look that she always does. “It was really good. I’ve been listening. The last song though, very cliché, very not you, but I like it.”

“Yes, it was a very hard choice,” I said, then added. “The last song, I mean.” 

“It’s fine. I’m sorry, I know I should have replied— “

“Nope, it’s totally alright,” I nodded, reassuringly, then narrowed my eyes at her. “Did you listen to it in order?”

“Of course,” She glared at me. “‘They are there for a reason. ‘There’s always a story.’ That was what you always say.”

We laughed at that. And then it was silence.

Soojin glanced at me, her face serious, but understanding. “It’s good to see you, Shuhua-ya.”

“Yeah, you too.” And I meant it, even there was this pain in my chest.

“I’m sorry we never really talked after everything went down.”

“Yeah, me too,” I nodded and added, bitterly, “the whole ‘moving out of the country’ thing didn’t really give us the chance to talk about it. So— ”

“You know, I tried to talk to you. But you are always in your head. I tried over and over, but you don’t talk, you never talk.”

I feel sick again, really sick. I don’t know how it shows on my face, but suddenly Soojin loses it a little: she looked tired, and sad, and she stared anywhere but me to stop herself from crying.

“Oh, I— I never talked— Oh okay. Interesting.” I don’t know what to say. There are loads of things I want to ask, but they are all the questions I don’t really want answered: Have you missed me, do you love me, is it better that we were not together anymore? “Um, so that Hui guy, does he talk a lot?”

Where did that one come from? Of course, it’s not about that.

“God, Shuhua, wh— “

“No, let me. I wanna know.” I insisted. “He talks to you? He says everything about his life and stuff?”

“What do you want?” She’s so sick of this too, that her eyes are clenched tight shut and she’s speaking in a furious whisper.

“I want you— “ to say why you left me? Why did you reject me? In the first place, it was the reason why I’m here. “I want you to tell me that it’s not serious between you two. I want you to tell me that you haven’t moved on yet. I want that to be the truth.”

“I can’t do that, Shuhua.” Then she suddenly softened. Soojin was wearing an expression I have come to know well in recent years, a look that was patient, disappointed and sad. It doesn’t feel good to know that she has this sort of look just for me. 

I want to be fucking mad at her, but I know somewhere in me, that she was right. So, I did what’s right for both of us right now. 

I walked away.

Why couldn’t I just simply ask her?

I asked all the others. I mean, that’s what I went there for, right? And then I fucking choked. Instead, I asked her if she’d moved on? And it seems like she already did.

What am I trying to figure out? That I’m doomed to be left alone? That it’s my fault? Or it’s not, and it’s fate?

Either way, I’m alone.

There’s no Soojin.

This was a fucking terrible idea.


	6. Ballad of an Asshole

Okay, question: Why is there such a stigma around being single? I mean, we’re born alone. We’re gonna die alone. Even when you’re with someone, you’re alone right?

I mean, this is all pretty basic stuff, philosophically speaking.

I’m just saying, as a single person, it’s honestly pretty great.

But, how am I doing?

I’m fine. I’m good, you know.

I quit smoking, again.

Umm, the whole Soojin thing, is fine, you know.

If Soojin’s no longer an option, then she’s no longer a problem.

I’m fine, I supposed.

“Shuhua-ya…”

“Shuhua! Come on, stay focused. It’s your turn!” Yuqi yelled, catching my attention.

“Yeah. Umm… “ I was trying to think of something interesting to say. But I ended up saying the most obvious ones. “Top Five Antiheroes in a TV Series. Let’s go with, _Tony Sopranos_ , _The Sopranos_. _Walter White_ , _Breaking Bad_. Umm, _Don Draper_ , _Mad Men_ — ”

“Oh, come on, can’t you be more obvious?” Yuqi said. “What’s next? Best Villains of All-Time? That _Spacey’s_ fucking character in _House of Cards_? What about, the fuck— all the characters of _Game of Thrones_?”

I ignored what she said and continued my list. “ _Dexter Morgan_ , _Dexter_. And _Joe Macmillan_ , _Halt and Catch Fire_.”

“Solid finish!” Miyeon agreed with me.

Yuqi shook her head. “No. _Macmillan’s_ no good.”

“What?” I frowned.

“He was supposed to be an anti-hero. But it became an ensemble series in its sophomore season!” Yuqi exclaimed. “Just because the series was, what they said, ‘the next _Mad Men_ ,’ doesn’t mean the male protagonist is like _Don Draper_.”

“But still, he was an anti-hero, right?” I said, then Miyeon and I who were sitting in the counter explaining the difference between seeing a TV series as a whole and learning their flaws as a character based on one season. I wanted to say that sometimes it has been a character development, but Yuqi was so animated so I let her.

When she was done, and everything seemed done with the conversation, I said. “To be honest, I don’t actually believe there is such a thing as ‘anti-hero.’ I mean it’s just a sad excuse to make us think that some assholes are just misunderstood. When the truth is, they are just fucking assholes.”

And it started another long discourse— argument.

I’m glad it was a quite busy day— compared to the usual ones— because we’re reasonably distracted, and the three were just having a mundane afternoon. And I kind of like this since it turned out what was troubling and distracting, and just let it pass by.

So when I come to close the shop, and we’re getting ready to go out for dinner, we are all happy together after the sulks and rows of the last few days, it feels good to not think about _things_ again.

But when we walk out of the shop, Soojin’s waiting there for me, leaning against the wall that separates us from the other establishment next door, and I remembered everything again.

Okay, before that let me tell you how _nice_ the past few days were.

During the week, after the rejection conversation that turned into a fucking disaster. I won’t waste any of our time because I bet you had a pretty solid guess what I might have felt in the last couple of days. 

I might have thrown a few emotional tantrums here and there.

And some might see it as bitterness, if they wanted to. Though I don’t think of myself as bitter, I have disappointed myself. I thought I turned into a bit more than this and maybe that disappointment would unfold into something else. 

Here are the ‘highlights’ of that said week:

  1. I ended my ties Shin Ryujin 
  2. Yuqi is already dating someone
  3. Miyeon’s ‘career’ might be something
  4. Soyeon called me up;
  5. And Lee Hui, too



_1_

One day, Ryujin comes into the shop.

“Hi, guys.”

Yuqi and Miyeon disappear, conspicuously and embarrassingly.

“Bye, guys,” she says after they’re gone and shrugs.

Ryujin peers at me. “Are you avoiding me?” she asks, jokingly.

“Nope, I’ve been busy this past few days.” Which was true. I mean, not to be that kind of person, but I kinda forgot about her. 

Ryujin trailed off. “It’s not about something I said, is it… ”

“Oh, God. No. I had an urgent thing that night.”

Again, it was true. There’s no issue for me. And to be honest, our sexual conquest was one of my proudest moments (if it weren’t for the freaking out after). Because all my life I’ve wanted to date a musician. Not just someone in a band, or just someone who sings, but you know, a real musician. 

She’d write songs at home, maybe include one of our private jokes in the lyrics. Then thank me in the liner notes.

“Okay,” Ryujin said. “I was wondering if you wanted to come see me play tonight and maybe dinner after?”

I don’t know if I’m ready. I know this is fucked up. I want to have some alone time for myself or whatever that means. But still.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay! I’ll message you the details later.”

“Cool.” I could just message her back and say I can’t make it, I suppose, but I know I’ll be there.

And we had a nice time. I enjoyed her set, and Ryujin would look at me from where she was standing on stage. Then the two of us go back to her place for a drink, and we talk about music and records, but not about sex in general or other hard stuff like dating, which requires no elaboration. 

But, I guess, that’s that.

And then I go home, and Ryujin gives me a nice kiss, and on the way back I feel as though at least there’s one relationship, that a little smooth spot I can feel proud of.

_2_

There were days when Yuqi, Miyeon and I were messing around at work, the three of us, insulting each other’s top five list then planning night outs. And we even discovered that Yuqi was already dating the barista girl.

“I can’t come with,” said Yuqi.

There’s a silence.

“Why?” Says Miyeon eventually.

Yuqi sort of smiles, embarrassed. “No, I have a date tonight.”

Silence.

“I cannot believe it,” says Miyeon. “What’s happening? Yuqi is out on a date, Shuhua is probably shagging that musician, and I’m not getting anything at all.”

She’s not just trying it on, she knew for a fact. There’s no sideways glance to see if she hit the mark, no hesitation to see if it wasn’t true— that bit about me. She is so sure, like that.

“We are not ‘shagging.’”

“Come on, Shuhua. It’s kinda your thing after something happened to you. I’m more curious about Yuqi’s date. Who is she? Do we know her?”

Yuqi doesn’t say anything. And I have a good guess who that person is.

“Just someone… ” says Yuqi after a while.

I feel as though I have had conversations like this all my life. None of us is that young anymore, but these sorts of talks could have happened when we were teenagers. And why do other people bother about that? Because they are worried about how their life is turning out and lonely, and lonely people are bitter.

_3_

Miyeon’s band is going to play a gig, and she wants to put a poster up in the shop. So we bother her to give us any details about it.

“How’s the experimenting going? Are you still stretching your music sensibilities?”

Miyeon glared at me. She hated me talking about the band like that.

“Yeah, are they on par with your sort of stuff, Miyeon-unnie?” asked Yuqi, smiling.

“I’m not ‘par’ with anyone, Yuqi. We just played a few songs. Our songs.”

“Oh, can we hear it?”

“It’s not that polished yet. And I bet, you wouldn’t be familiar with our immediate influence.”

“Try us.”

“They’re mostly pop.”

“What, kpop and all that?”

She looks at me pityingly. “Hmm, hardly.”

“What, then?”

“You wouldn’t know them, Shuhua, so just shut it.”

“A hint, perhaps?”

“Nope.”

“Sing a line, then?”

“No.”

“You guys haven’t done anything, have you?”

“Thank you for the support you two. I really appreciate it.” Miyeon said, sarcastically.

Miyeon glared at Yuqi and I, then stomped inside the stockroom.

_4_

It was Soyeon who stopped me calling Soojin all the time. She gave me a good talking. 

Oh before I forgot, I might have called her best friend a few times that week.

“You’re really upsetting her,” she says. “And him.”

“Oh, like I really care about him.”

“Well, you should.”

“Why?”

“Because, Shuhua-ya, all you’re doing is forming them against you. This is three people in a mess. Before, or if, you continue this, think about them having something in common, and you don’t want to make it any worse.”

“And why are you saying this? I thought you were on my side?”

“Yeah, well, so am I, to Soojin. I may not like him, but he hasn’t done anything wrong— ”

“— yet.”

“Shuhua-ya… it’s human nature to make mistakes. But you can’t assume anything like that.”

“She told me that I didn’t talk, that we don't talk that much.”

“When you went to see her?” I nodded, even though she can’t see me though she probably knew that already, so she continued. “Walk me through that.”

“After I said that we didn’t because she moved across the country, she kind of hints that it was my fault.”

“Was it thought? Soojin might have a point.”

“I can’t fucking stand her dating someone else.”

“No, neither can I, for some reason.”

“What did she tell you, then?”

“She said that your little outburst showed her that you haven’t even thought about what you did. She said that she loved you, for you. But it was all draining away. You stopped making her laugh and you started disappointing the hell out of her. And now, you are making her sad, as well.”

Sad. Jesus. One moment we were dancing around my room to our favorite songs, making her laugh, and the next she said that I’m making her sad? I didn’t say anything for a while. I can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t make me seem like an asshole. ‘What can I do to make it go away?’ I want to ask her. ‘Where did the love go? How can you make someone happy and sad at the same time?’

“Why do you keep calling her all the time? Why do you want her back so badly?” Soyeon finally asked.

“We all know why.”

“Then, there’s no point in doing what you are doing. It will only drive her away.”

“She already left. There’s nothing to lose.”

“Come on, Shuhua-ya. Don’t be childish. You already know what’s the right thing to do.”

I know what she’s talking about. And I’m not going to put Soyeon straight. I’m not going to tell her that I’m not giving up. But I don’t know if I would rather want to lose Soyeon’s approval or to have another minute talk with Soojin. I guess, it would both do me harm, in the long run.

Speaking of bitter feelings and all that, well someone called me up, too.

_5_

The same day, the phone rang again.

“Hi, is this Shuhua-ssi?”

I don’t recognize the male voice. But I had a feeling that it belongs to someone I didn’t like, but I don’t get further than that.

“This is Lee Hui.”

I don’t say anything.

“I thought maybe we should have a talk? Sort of smoothing things out?”

This is something… mad. All I do know is that there was no reason for Hui to ring me up to sort things out. Nor I wouldn’t be ringing him up to sort things out. I didn’t do anything, I just _talked_. If he wants that, then.

“What is it?” I’m so angry my voice is shaky, like it used to be when I want to punch someone in the face, but won’t because of the consequences and well, I might not sound angry at all. I sound scared.

“Come on, Shuhua-ssi. I know you and Soojin talked.”

“We did just that. Nothing to worry about.” Sharp and clear.

“I’m talking about just that. It’s quite apparent that my relationship with her has obviously bothered you a great deal.” Get down your fucking high horse. It bothered me because it is Soojin with anyone, but me.

“Yeah, well, that was one time and the last.” A lie, so I sort of mumble that out.

“Hopefully. But you know, I want some peace of mind here. So what’s gonna be? We both know how special she is, and I know things can’t be good for you at the moment. And I’d like us to respect her decision. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Shall we leave it then?”

“I don’t know. Fuck you!” And then I ended the call, not my finest moment.

Oh well, nothing. I didn’t say the last bit, but I felt like I should. Though I just settled for an ‘I don’t know,’ because I don’t really know. I should have used at least one obscenity. But all those years of Soojin reminding me to be the bigger person are nagging my mind. I shouldn’t have hung up on a ‘dunno.’ I kept rewriting the script in my head of the words I should have said, and none of it helps at all.

Mad people could read all sorts of things in either of these calls. Sane people would come to the conclusion that the calls were telling me something. But, I guess, I’m mad.

The love thing is easy to explain: Soojin loved me, I love her and we both act on it. This was when we were together, early on in the relationship and we both were still new to the feeling. She understands me, if I’m being difficult. I supported her when she was having a hard time. We fought, that’s normal, but we always end up sorting stuff and if it was a good day, end up making love. 

Soojin made me better. I’d like to think I did too.

So, the love thing. The stuff I told her when we were still together, about being unhappy in the relationship, about half looking for something else, was entirely a different thing. The situation tricked me into doing things. That sounds ridiculous, but it did. We were having a conversation, and she said, quite frankly, that we were in fact in an unhappy phase at the moment, and I agreed. 

She asked me whether I ever thought about meeting other women, and I denied it, and she frowned, and said that a person in my mindset would always think about meeting somebody else. So I asked her if she did, and if she thinks I did too, and she genuinely said no, but she thought that I did. So I admitted that I did daydream about it sometimes. At the times I thought it was a grown up sort of conversation. Now, I see that we were really talking about _us_.

Yuqi and Miyeon asked us if we wanted to go with them to drink, but it’s hard to imagine us before sitting around a table laughing about everything, and Soojin and I declined. I assumed that we’re going to the nearest restaurant, so I walked towards that direction, but Soojin tugged me by the arms and dragged me to my place.

We were pretty quiet on the whole walk. It was only a fifteen-minute stroll away from my shop, but the journey is so uncomfortable. I felt like I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

When we get into the apartment, it’s weird seeing her there. But what’s particularly different is how she tries to avoid doing things that she used to do, you can feel her being conscious with her actions. 

Soojin goes to the living room and comes across her favorite blanket and she hesitates, just for a second, but proceeds to wrap it around herself.

“You can take it with you, if you want,” I say, but I cannot look at her, and she doesn’t look at me. 

“I want to apologize about what I said that night,” Soojin started. “Hui figured it out, so I told him. And I’m sorry for that, too, him calling you. It wasn’t in his place to do that. You didn’t do anything.”

“No, it’s all good.” I nodded, I don’t want to tell her that I was indeed angry about it.

“I think we should talk.”

“Yeah, of course. We should.” My tone was a little off that she had to look at me.

I supposed that was very petty of me, but I can’t stop myself.

“I’m sorry. I said some mean things, poor choice of words on my part. And I haven’t been fair to you. That’s why I’m here, because I thought it was time to be brave.”

“Are you scared now?”

“Yes, of course, Shuhua-ya. I feel terrible. This is really hard you know.”

“I am, too.”

And I am fucking terrified. And I feel worse. I don’t want to think about where this is going. I wanted her to say that she’s here because she wants me back. I might have a big persistent feeling of denial, but I know, this isn’t about that.

“This isn’t about Hui, and the ‘talking’ thing. It’s about you, about us.” She said it nicely, in a tone of voice I recognize from a long time ago.

“Okay, then.”

Silence.

“Am I not good enough?”

“Oh, come on, Shuhua. Don’t be like that.”

“Why? You left me. I just wanted to know why.”

“No. You _were_ good enough. And it has nothing to do with that.”

They always say that. They always, always say that it has nothing to do with that. It was the first thing I learned in this whole romantic shit. 

“You know, I left because we weren’t really getting along anymore, or even talking, and I’m at the age where I want to figure myself out, and I thought we could do that together. But I just couldn’t see that ever crossing your mind, because you seem like you always had one foot out the door. And then you said that you wanted more. And I had no idea what that was. So it seemed like it was a good time to let go. I don’t have any idea what will happen with Hui in the long run. I don’t really want to think about it now. All I do know is that, you need to figure yourself out and maybe, we’ll put things right.”

“If I did, is there still a chance that we’ll get back together?” I have to ask, I have to know.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, if you don’t know, that must mean there’s a chance.”

“I don’t know if there’s a chance.”

Fuck.

“That’s what I’m saying. There’s a line between ‘no’ and ‘yes’ and we are in that line. So there’s a possibility that we’ll cross to the latter.”

“Shuhua-ya, shut up.”

“I just want to know where I stand.”

“I don’t know. I’m just trying to tell you that I’m confused too, and that I haven’t been happy, that we got ourselves into a terrible mess, and that I want you in my life but not when you are still like this.”

When I saw Soojin outside earlier, I absolutely, without any question at all, that I wanted her back, that I’m in love with her. If I can just start figuring myself out, maybe she’ll concede that there is a chance we’ll patch things up. 

“Okay.” I grinned, I know I’m being stupid now but I have to take what I can have. “I understand. But can you have a ramen with me?”

I’m half joking and half serious.

“You’re being ridiculous. And no. But we can order pizza and listen to your playlists.” Soojin shook her head in disbelief, but laughed lightly, she took it as a joke. “But, that’s that.” She quickly added.

Yes! Yes! I’m going to have dinner with Soojin-unnie. Soojin is having dinner with me, not Hui! I kissed her on the cheek and took my phone to order our food.

I feel like I was given another chance, although not very much. But I feel so much better.

Oh, by the way, the night that she was supposed to proposed, well, I did something and here's the following pieces of information:

  1. I almost kissed someone else in the bar while she was waiting for me back at the apartment
  2. That action contributed directly to us postponing our wedding
  3. And shortly after that, I told her I was unhappy in the relationship, and I was sort of looking for something else.



Did I do and say all these things? Yes, I did. Did I really think that it was because of the circumstances? Not really then, but now I’m not sure. 

One thing for sure though.

I am not an anti-hero in this story. There’s no such thing.

I’m just an asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'wanna have ramen with me' bit from the previous chapter means 'netflix and chill' in SK. I'm just gonna say it here just in case someone's wondering about why Soojin reacted like that when Shuhua suggested it.


	7. Sad Shuhua

Ever have one of those days you wish it never even started?

Right now, I’m sitting in front of my apartment building, and I don’t know where to go. Because I locked myself out and I didn’t have an extra key.

So, how did I come to this?

Let’s start from the beginning.

I started the day with the question: What did Soojin meant when she said that ‘maybe we’ll put things right?’

Maybe.

What does ‘maybe’ means anyway?

It means there’s a chance, does it? Or doesn’t it?

It was a typical morning, but today I don’t feel so good about it. Any day, I begin my breakfast with lots of questions or imagining different scenarios in my head. There should be a device or something to stop these thoughts early in a day.

After that night, I’d been hanging out with her again. ‘Friends,’ that was she said we are. ‘There was no real meaning to it’ again, that was she said. Which was fine by me, because she was spending most of her days here in my apartment, anyway. Though the only thing that remotely close to my idea of romantic get together was when we would listen to our favorite records.

You probably know that sometimes— most of the time— I would ask her about the status of our relationship, but she would just shrug it off. 

Every time we were about to see each other, I was scared. I was terrified that one day she's going to bring Hui around, but she doesn’t. In fact, Soojin is still uncomfortable that he called me last time.

Soojin has always been protective of me. 

I think? I would like to think that.

It didn’t help that Soojin called me early this morning. Which was very interesting. It was so obvious that she remembers today, too.

“Good morning, Shuhua-ya. You have a nice day.”

“Did you call just to say that?”

“Do you prefer if I don’t call?”

“I didn’t mean it like… “

“It’s fine, I get it. I need to go.”

“Okay. Want to stop by later? I saw that there’s a rerun of _Fleabag_.”

“I can’t. I had plans with Hui-oppa.”

“Right.”

“Anyway, don’t forget to eat, alright? And don’t waste your day brooding.”

“Right.”

“Come on, Shuhua. We are already spending too much time together. I’m not your only friend. And it’s not like I’m leaving you.”

“Tell Hui-ssi I said hi, okay?”

“Shuhua-ya… “

“I mean it, Jin-ah.”

“I know you do.”

On the morning of the day itself, I spent too much time picturing what will happen if Soojin meant that ‘maybe’ was the opposite of what I hoped for. I found myself irritated that my own head was showing me that.

After a couple cups of tea, and maybe a stick of cigarette, however, I realized that this sort of thing was not productive, that it was likely to drive me insane, and I decided to go to work with a clear head.

“Just, come on, what would it mean to you, that sentence, ‘maybe, I’ll watch _High Fidelity_?’” Not so ‘clear,’ I supposed. But it was just a question.

“To me, it would mean that you are a liar. You’ve seen it a hundred times. And most of it was with Soojin-unnie— Oops! And once with me and Miyeon-unnie.” Yuqi, who was arranging our pile of new records, replied without looking at me. “We had the conversation about how big of a jerk that character Rob was.”

“Right! So, let’s just say that I haven’t seen it. And I said to you, ‘maybe I’ll watch it.’ What would you think?” I inquired.

“I think that you don’t have taste. And I feel sorry for you!” Yuqi exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

“Alright, but from that one sentence, would you think that I’m going to see it?”

“I’m sorry, Shuhua. I’m struggling here. You’re asking me what would I think if you told me you hadn’t seen a film that you have already seen?” Finally looking up to what she was doing, Yuqi frowned at me, annoyed. “What am I supposed to say?”

“Listen, listen to me! If I said to you— “

“‘Maybe, I’ll watch _High Fidelity_.’” Yuqi mockingly imitated the way I talk.

I ignored that and continued my question. “Would you get the impression that I’m going to watch it?”

“Oh, umm… You couldn’t have been desperate to see it otherwise you’d have already gone.”

“Fuck. Right. I should have already watched the film… ” I muttered. She’s right, if Soojin really want us— 

“But the word ‘maybe.’ Yeah, you know what, I get the impression that you want to see it otherwise you could have said you didn’t want to watch it.”

“But, in your opinion, would I definitely go— “

“How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably.” 

“Why?”

“Because it’s a brilliant film! It’s so funny and relatable. And the soundtrack is amazing!” Yuqi sighed, her patience is at its limit. “I never thought I’ll say this, but can you stop talking now so I can work?”

The day went by incredibly slow. I haven’t even gone out of my office until it was time to go home. Maybe, I’m having one of those bad days. Which Yuqi noticed so she invited me to crash on her date. 

God, that selfless bitch.

“Umm, so, I’m gonna go to Cube’s later.” Yuqi said. “See Shin Ryujin. Do you want to come?”

I’m really thankful for the invitation, but I’m not really in the mood. “No, I’m good. Thank you.”

“Okay. Well, how about a drink before?” Yuqi tried again.

“Uh, no. Pass.”

“Yo, you know. Besides her music taste, I don’t really like Sad Shuhua.” Miyeon, who was listening to the conversation, added.

“Do you want to come with, Miyeon-unnie?” 

“No, I got rehearsal.” The older girl answered. “But I could definitely get a drink with you guys, though.”

“Come on, Shuhua, just one drink.”

“You can’t just go out for one drink?”

Yuqi and Miyeon said, convincing me.

I sighed, then gave in. “Fine.”

Sad Shuhua. 

I’m not fucking sad.

I’ve just been thinking about life, you know what I mean? And it’s just— It’s so fucking intense. It’s like, at what point do you stop looking backwards and start looking forward?

Yuqi and Miyeon stared at me.

“You motherfucker!” Yuqi exclaimed, then covered her face in shame. “Oh, fuck, I forgot.”

I just shrugged. “Don’t. It’s alright. It’s not something.”

“No, it’s today!” Yuqi shook her head, clearly disappointed that I don’t know who. “Today’s the one-year anniversary of her breakup with Soojin-unnie!”

“Oh, shit. Wait a minute. That’s why.” Miyeon finally put together why my mood earlier was like that.

Okay, so maybe the one-year anniversary of my breakup with Soojin has a tiny bit to do with it.

“Why didn’t you remind us?” Yuqi asked. “And have us sitting here looking like assholes? What are your plans tonight?”

“No. It’s not a big deal, okay?”

“Is it not?” Miyeon interjected.

Yuqi looked at me, worried, and said, “come on, Shuhua. If you’d told me, I could maybe cancel my plan.” 

“Guys, relax.” I try to sound reassuring. “I’m good. I have plans.”

“What is it?”

“Do tell.”

“I’m gonna buy myself a case of beer and then I’m gonna order a family size meal. And then I’m gonna be watching _High Fidelity_ again.” I said, proudly.

“And yet again, we’re still talking about _High Fidelity_.” Yuqi rolled her eyes. “Like, just watch it!”

“I’m just— “

“Okay! Okay!” Miyeon stopped us from arguing again, and raised her shot. “Here’s to our Shuhua! And to her date with _John Cusack_!”

That was my plan really, on my way back home from the bar, I bought some beer and drew myself a bath. My mum called just as I was about press play on _High Fidelity_ , and again, I was a bit disappointed that it wasn’t someone else.

She asked me how I am. And she’s nice to me. Though she’s concerned that I’m spending the night drinking on my own. She couldn't really think of anything to say after that. It must be hard for parents to talk to kids about personal stuff. Then she started telling stories about our neighbors and I was laughing. I had stopped her, because she won’t if I didn’t. We ended the call with her telling me to go out and have fun. 

I’m at a bit of a loss during the film. It’s not even ten o’clock yet and even though I finished my drinks already, I still cannot shake the feeling that I was not having much of a day. There are books to read, and films to watch, but you know.

And I would obviously never tell her this, but there might be a possibility that my mother’s right.

I picked up the phone, and started to organize a little get together in a bar. I shall gather a few people together.

Okay. But Yuqi’s on a date.

Miyeon is in… somewhere. 

And Soojin is with Hui.

It was harder than I thought though, inviting people I haven’t spoken to for months, or even years. Some people I rang were obviously baffled because someone was suggesting a drink, out of the blue, from someone they haven’t seen or heard for a long time.

But a couple of them might have felt bad to me. Or two.

Kang Seulgi was the first one. She’s a professional dancer. I met her back in college, and she lived near the area.

“Hello, Seulgi-unnie. It’s Shuhua.”

“Oh. Hi Shuhua!” Genuine surprise, genuine person.

“How are you?”

So I told her how I was, and then I explained the sad situation, that it was too last minute and so on and so forth, I heard the hesitation in her voice. And then she gave in. She’s always been too kind.

Park Sooyoung lives next door, doesn’t have a job, but still manages to survive and is always willing for a drink or two. So yeah.

“Okay, but, your treat.”

“Alright, alright.”

And there we have it. Kang Seulgi and Park Sooyoung, They don’t know each other, they won’t like each other and they have nothing in common apart from a slight interest in music. And Seulgi’s there because she felt bad to say no while Sooyoung only wants free drinks.

Fuck, I never think these through, ever. It was a pretty bad evening. 

So… Seulgi and Sooyoung did get along. They did like each other. They like each other so much that it starts to annoy me throughout. They were so close to having sex in front of me. The tension, I just want to fucking cut it.

Never again will this combination of people be seated around a table. It felt like a date, it’s like I wasn't even here. I thought this thing would be an escape and provide a feeling of security and comfort, but they haven’t. It just reminded me that I used to have that. I miss Soojin.

And so I left them there. They didn’t even hear my goodbyes, but I guess, I was just being my bitter self. Soojin and I used to be like that too, and Yuqi and Miyeon always bitched about it, too.

It was when I had no hope for this night to be better, was when Soojin called me again. And I can’t help but smile.

“Hello, Jinjin-ah.”

“Oh, hey, Shuhua-ya.”

“Hi, I thought you were with Hui-ssi.”

“I— I just wanted to hear from you.” That kids! Fuck, now, can you blame me for not moving on after hearing that?

“Well, you are talking to me now.”

“Where are you?”

“Uh… just walking back home.”

“Oh, really?” Soojin was genuinely surprised. “I thought you’d be at a bar, drinking or something.”

“Ah, nah. I’m getting tired of shit like that now.” Well, honestly, I kinda am.

“Hmm, do you, do you wanna hang out for a bit?”

“What, did you ditch Hui or something?” Laughing a little, I know she wouldn’t do that.

“Actually, I did.” Oh. Soojin, then continued. “It’s nothing big. Just… Let’s just have a late-night snack, alright?”

“Okay. Cool.”

“I’ll be there in your place. You take care.”

“Okay. You, too. See you soon.”

When I got home, I found her in her usual place— the one where she always sits when she is reading, or when she brings her work home and drinks her tea. There was a bowl of seaweed soup and I’m quite surprised to see that she even brought a case of beer too. It’s obviously for me. I can’t stop myself from feeling warm, grateful. Fuck, am I about to cry?

And then I heard the record, she was playing. Oh shit. Well, that stopped the tears.

“Hey, I let myself in— “ She still hasn't returned my key when we're dating. Anyway.

“What is this song?! Really? _Chumbawamba_?”

“What? I find their sound really interesting… “ Soojin playfully glared at me. “You should stop judging other people’s taste in music.”

“What I find really interesting is that you keep showing up, Unnie.”

Soojin looked at me and said to drop it, then gave a little shrug that was actually a bit cute, if you think about it.

“Okay, I’m sorry.” I raised my hands, surrendering. “But can you at least change the record, please.”

The older girl smiles at that. “Fine. You choose.”

The night went on like it usually did since we started hanging out again. We talked about anything and everything. It was easy, light and if I’m being honest, quite romantic. There was no argument, there were no bitter comebacks. Just the two of us having a nice time together.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment since I’ve been back.” Soojin said after a while.

I looked at her, expectantly. “Yeah?”

“Just a nice quiet company and good music.”

“You think I’m gonna let you listen to bad records?” Shuhua jokingly asked. “And I’m always a good one.”

“Yeah, you are. You know, Hui-oppa can be a bit… chatty when I just want to listen to songs.”

Holy sh— I have to laugh. I want to laugh. But, I won’t do that. Okay, Shuhua stop. Do it for your unnie. Come on.

“Right. Okay. What is he like?” A sensible question, but I don’t know if I want to know. Soojin watched my reaction then put on her pained, stoical face. I’d seen that one a few times.

“Simple. He’s a simple man.”

“That’s because he doesn’t have anything to worry about. He already has everything.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Well, honestly no. I mean we can’t really blame people for being lucky. Same for people— “

“— Who had it hard, yes. He’s just uncomplicated. Easy.” 

“And how does that make you feel?”

Soojin glanced at me, frowned, and opened her mouth, her way of indicating that I asked an important question. “Uhh… a little odd.”

I took a deep breath. “That’s… that’s normal, right? You guys just got together. I mean six months is a short time.”

“I didn’t— “ Soojin stared at me before she looked away, crying a little. “I didn’t feel that, with you. It’s always different with you. I think what’s really weirding me out is, did I mess up, again? Did I make the wrong decision and then leave again when it gets too hard?”

“Soojin-unnie…” 

“He proposed to me earlier. And I said no.” 

Oh, fuck. I should be happy, right? I mean this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Soojin is probably single. And she’s here, just a few steps away. She’s crying, looking so in pain. Looking so miserable. Looking so sad.

Is this my fault? 

It is.

Before, I pushed her away and pushed her away, until she had no choice but to go away.

Later, I forced myself into her life and she had no choice but to let me in. Because, whatever happened, Soojin would always be that kind of person. And I fucking took advantage of that. 

And now, she had to suffer the consequences of my actions.

Before I get into it, I’m gonna share my Top-Five Things I Miss About Soojin:

_1\. Her sense of humor._

Very dry, but it’s warm and forgiving. We laugh at the same things. She had the best laugh. She laughs with her entire body.

_2\. Her character._

She’s loyal, hard-working, honest— can be a bit cold but in a I-did-not-meant-it-that-way— and understanding. She never takes it out on me when she’s having a bad day.

_3\. Her smell. Her taste. Her touch. Her voice. Her looks._

There’s a mystery in human chemistry and I don’t understand it. Some people as far as senses are concerned just feels like home.

_4\. Her confidence._

I really love how she carries herself. It’s like she doesn’t care how she looks or what she projects. Not that she didn’t care, it’s just, she’s not affected, I guess. And that’s just her.

The list can go on and on. And I even have a list of things about her that drives me crazy. But I’ll end it with this. Because this perfectly describes what I love about her. What made her the perfect person. What made her... her. What made her the perfect, the only person, for me.

_5\. Her compassion._

There’s this thing she does for other people that I can’t get into, but I still love it. It suits her. Not me. 

And Soojin loves me without asking anything in return. 

I don’t understand it, then.

“It’s not your fault, Unnie. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I said to her, finally admitting it. “This is all my fault.”

Soojin didn’t say anything for a while. Then finally, Soojin spoke up and she immediately burst into tears. “I can’t right now, I- I’m… You’re a fucking idiot.“ 

I couldn't take it anymore, I stood up and walked towards her, and then Soojin who had obviously been waiting for me, told me to come closer.

What happened to me during the past few days was something like this: I felt for the first time, how I am scared of losing her and losing other people, and how this fear prevented me from doing all sorts of things, like thinking about my life, in a way that contains a concept of the future. But most of all it has prevented me from maintaining a relationship, because if you linger, your life becomes dependent on that person’s life and eventually they are bound to perceive who you really are.

When I saw Soojin’s face earlier… How can someone be that beautiful and so considerate? What would happen if she got tired of it again? To me, it made more sense, so I gave someone a way out until they decided that they had enough. There were some nights with Soojin before when I’d snuggle into her when she was asleep and I’d be filled with this fear that she’ll figure me out. But I could see now where it came from, and why I almost kissed that nameless girl in the bar, and why I pushed her away.

When I slept with Soojin those nights, I was afraid because I didn’t want to lose her, and we always lose someone, in the end. I’d rather give her a choice than to risk it. 

And where does this get me? The logic of it all is that I played myself. 

There was this one photo in my windowsill. It was a picture of me when I was a kid. And Soojin would look at it everyday and tell me I looked like a sweet kid.

Hey, sweet kid. You didn’t know what was coming. That kid didn’t know that I was gonna turn into this.

Fuck.

“You’re right.” I said, I can feel myself crying, too. “I’m sorry. I really am. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you but I lost it. And for someone who thinks a lot, I didn’t think that through. Look, Unnie, I pushed— shoved you away because I thought I was doing you a favor or whatever. And I know that sounds, self-serving, but— you know what, it’s actually been… “

There will be other battles. There’s not much point in fighting if we already lost.

“Well, it didn’t do us any favor. No one had gained anything.”

“No, no, you did. You found a nice guy. And I understand it now. I’m not expecting you to tell me otherwise. I just wanted you to know, that’s all.”

Soojin making no move to leave.

“It wasn’t entirely your fault.”

“Unnie— “

“I didn’t leave you because you wouldn’t let me in. I left because I was tired, and I needed to get out of it.”

“Oh, look, Unnie, I understand. I don’t want to cause any trouble. You get back to him and I’ll walk you home.”

I always imagined what it would be like if we got back together, but this time, I let her go.

I know what you’re saying: You’re stupid! Now, is your chance!

All right. Hear me out.

I know that I should take the opportunity, then that ‘maybe’ possibly becomes a ‘yes.’

But, I think, why? What’s the point of it? If we ever get back together, I’ll love her selflessly, that was what Soojin did. And hopefully I won’t run off by myself, or think of anyone else and she won’t have to leave. Soojin didn’t leave because I wasn’t enough, she did because I didn’t give her much of a choice. If I can’t get out of my head, I might as well give up, because I’m not sure that I know what to do other than that.

Soojin just stared at me after saying that. But she sighed, then got up and left. 

“You don’t have to walk me home. I’ll be on my way.”

“Unnie, let me— “

She gives a short, mirthless laugh. “Thank you, but no. And no, your concern is not an inconvenience. I just wanted to be alone.”

“Okay, I understand.” I gave in. “Can I, at least, walk you downstairs?”

So, that was what happened. All those emotional shit made me forget my key and now I’m locked out and sitting in front my apartment building looking a fucking pathetic piece of shit that I am.

Well, you probably guessed that while I look back on my day that I still am waiting for anyone to open the door for me. And you got it right.

And Soojin did, too.

Because she is now standing in front of me.

“Hey, it looks like you need help. I have a key.”

“I can’t believe you still have it.”

“Lucky for you, then.”

“Lucky for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter would be Yuqi's POV: Yuqi's All-Time, Top-Five Most Memorable Heartbreaks.


	8. Yuqi’s All-Time, Top-five Most Memorable Heartbreaks

“Hey, are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

“Nope. But thanks. You enjoy your night, Yuqi.” Shuhua said as she waved her goodbye. “See you!”

“All right. You, too, Shuhua-ya!” I yelled. “You know, where to find us!”

Okay, so at times like these, I wouldn’t normally let Shuhua alone like that, but I kinda have a date tonight. 

A date— well, maybe it’s a date. I don’t really know.

I want it to be.

To be honest with you, I find the whole courtship dating thing to be a little old fashion.

If I could, I would wake up, ideally, a year or two into a relationship. Skip the getting-to-know stage. Skip the awkwardness. Skip the first dates. Skip all that bullshit. Skip all the pain.

Huh? You thought only Shuhua had this bad with heartbreaks?

Please, she’s just being dramatic.

You wanna know about real heartbreak?

You wanna know about the real piercing ache in your whole body that will never go away?

The act after act of embarrassing embarrassments, desperate desperations and rejections?

You wanna know about the unreciprocated feeling, the bitter taste in your mouth that stays and leaves you unable to speak?

Look no further.

For I am, Song Yuqi, is the perfect representation of an useless gay.

Okay.

My All-Time, Top-Five Most Memorable Heartbreaks:

_1\. Jeon Soyeon_

Oh, yup. Her. 

  
You all probably know her from Shuhua’s story. I bet she went through every detail she can remember about Soyeon in relation to Soojin. I mean, I already know for a fact that she already did.

It was the year before I graduated college. It was also the year I realized that I might prefer girls.

Well, you can say that it was your typical meet-cute.

I met her when I was bombarded with work after work for our thesis and it doesn’t help that I also had to sort out my paper at the university. It was such a shitty day and I haven’t even had my breakfast yet, then suddenly this woman just had the audacity to bump into me. 

“Yah! What’s wrong with you?!” I yelled at the said woman. She only glared at me. So, I continued. “What if I have a terminal disease and you just barged into me. I might be dead by now!”

Wait, so, hear me out. I was really in a bad place that day. Everything about my thesis and graduation were putting a lot of pressure on me, so it’s valid to be a bit grumpy. I mean it doesn’t help that she looked younger than me and she was just staring standing there, not even trying to pick up my papers that are now scattered on the floor.

“Don’t ‘yah’ me!” the woman finally answered. “You weren’t looking where you were going. Is that how you treat your seniors?”

“Wh— Are you seriously saying that?” That woman really just said that? What the fuck. “Well, I don’t really care if you’re my senior or not. Can you just at least help me with this mess? I need these papers submitted tonight.”

The woman crossed her arms and scrutinized me for a while before saying, “alright. But because I think education is really important and not because it’s my fault. And stop with the attitude, ``I'm older than you.”

I shrugged, annoyed. “Just help me pick up the papers, dude.”

“Soyeon. S.O.Y.E.O.N.” She scolded me, but began helping me. “Don’t call me, ‘dude.’”

“Whatever… “ I said as we collected my semester-long work.

It was only when we gathered everything and I calmed a little, that I got to get a glimpse of the woman. And shit. 

Rudeness is one of the worst forms of first impressions, especially if they happen to be extremely attractive.

When I said that I might prefer girls, well this is the very moment that I’m a hundred percent convinced that I’m into one.

“Is there something in my face?” Soyeon asked.

“Song Yuqi.” I blurted out without thinking. Then I came to my senses. “Yup, there’s a little dirt… “ I gestured with my own chin.

“Where? Here?” Soyeon touched her own, rubbing it a little. “Is it still there?”

I just smiled teasingly at her and Soyeon looked at me, disgruntled.

“Wh— You little piece of— “ Catching herself before finishing the sentence. “There’s nothing in my face!”

I laughed. I can’t help but notice how beautiful this woman is despite her intimidating expressions.

“God, kids these days… “ I can hear Soyeon muttering.

We were standing on the sidewalk and there’s this nice restaurant around so— I don’t know what opted me to do it— I said, “do you want to go out?”

Soyeon stared at me, questioning. I quickly added, “To eat! The least you can do is treat me to a nice meal for almost ruining my thesis!”

She studied me for a while before saying, “fine!”

So, that’s when we started dating… kidding.

We only had a chaotic lunch, but it was really fun. At that time, I thought I was lucky enough to have this wonderful woman spend some time with me. 

I didn’t know at the time that Soyeon swings that same way.

And it’s not like it really mattered because how can someone like her date me, let alone a girl, that was I thought before.

After I came out, I’d had a bunch of crushes on different girls, talked to lots of them, who didn’t even give me an attention or two and can’t barely remember my first name. I mean, college right?

But, Soyeon noticed me.

Soyeon remembered my name.

She was so confident and attentive.

And she, she wasn’t disgusted after I told her I was gay.

The way she made me feel was intoxicating.

We became friends after that and I’ve been practically living in her apartment.

I mean, she was kind and considerate. And she just had been really accepting.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when Soyeon told me: “You are like an annoying younger sister, I never had.”

I need to get ready for my ‘date.’

Should I go with my usual everyday clothes or smart casual?

“The fuck? You, do you, Yuqi!” 

Yup, that’s Shuhua. I can still hear her in my head.

She’s right.

The usual, it is.

Okay, so where was I?

Oh yeah, number two on my All-Time Heartbreak list:

_2\. Jeon Soyeon_

Yeah, you would have thought I moved forward right?

I don’t know how she did it, but every time I saw Soyeon, the feelings just grew.

I just edited my memory as if she never said what she said before.

I figured we are friends and you know, maybe someday she’ll look at me in a different light. I mean, I had been with a lot of girls after that, but I still kept coming back, so—

“What you are gay, now?” I said, shocked is an understatement.

Soyeon looked at me, incredulously. “Now? I’ve always been one as long as I can remember. I thought you knew that.”

“Well, you— “ you said that I was only like a sister to you! “I thought… shit. Never mind.”

I ignored her for a few days after that, but the feeling of betrayal was pure misery, then. 

Where the hell is my favorite hoodie?

So, I decided to wear my favorite hoodie. There’s something about a certain piece of garment that makes you a little bit confident, if you know what I mean.

I really thought that she wouldn't like me because she wasn’t into women.

And I knew that it was not really her fault, because it wasn’t my place and what I felt wasn’t really a valid one. But, understand me guys, I was hurting.

Speaking of hurt, number three on the list:

_3\. Jeon fucking Soyeon_

I don’t know what kind of sick shit I did in my past life to be in this fucking situation.

But things became seriously complicated when we got into a friends-with benefits agreement.

Honestly, I don’t remember any details about how it happened.

We were just at the bar, hanging out with Soojin and Shuhua when the latter was still accepting gigs. This was before they officially dated.

“Yuqi-ah!” Soyeon shouted over the playing song in the background. She was pretty drunk that night, “Wanna get out of here!”

“But, Shuhua— “ I pointed at Shuhua besides the stage who was waiting for her turn. “— she’ll play in a few!”

“It’s fine!” Soyeon, then proceeds to stare at me before dragging my ass out of the bar.

At first, I thought that it would be one of those one-night stand things the kids had been raving about. But the very next day, Soyeon looked at me, her face serious and asked me if I wanted to fuck her not strings attached.

And you guys probably guessed that I freaking said yes.

The whole thing was… nice, for a while. I mean I can have her all for myself. There’s nothing really changed about our whole relationship besides the sex part. We still go out to eat, we still fight like the children we are and she stays the night.

Everything was somewhat smooth, until Soyeon started dating someone else.

Oh, I remembered that I wore that hoodie a few days ago. Damn.

Maybe, I’ll go back to the old classic and go for a sweatshirt. 

Yeah? I can already see Shuhua’s approval of my fashion.

Okay. Number four on the list:

_4\. Cho Miyeon_

I’m just kidding. It’s Soyeon-unnie. Of course, it’s fucking Soyeon.

_4\. Jeon Soyeon_

It felt like the right moment.

I mean there are few lower moments in life than not having your feelings returned.

But I wasn’t ready to give up.

No, I was too afraid to not actually admit what I felt. And then, one day I finally said it.

It was the time where Soyeon was crying her eyes out because apparently her girlfriend, left— or ghost her.

To be honest, I already knew it was coming. I mean after Soyeon introduced her officially to me, I can sense that she’s bad news. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not being biased here.

And it made me angry. It made me sad. Because right now, Soyeon looked so miserable.

I couldn’t fathom how someone could do such a thing. I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t leave Soyeon like this. I wouldn’t hurt her. 

So, I did what I did.

“Just let her be, Unnie.” I said, then took a deep breath. “This is just… fucked up. You shouldn’t let her treat you like this. I wouldn’t treat you like this.”

Soyeon stopped sobbing and stared at me.

I continued. “You know, I've been in love with you ever since we first met.”

That only made Soyeon cry more. It went on for a few minutes until she finally said something.

“Yuqi… I know.” She said as she took my hand. “But— “

I’m gonna continue that bit because, god, it’s cliché. You already have the idea what she said and I’m not going through that again.

Okay, right, I know it was a dick move. But can you really blame me?

It didn't take that long because after a few hours and a few apologies, she went back with her girlfriend. As if Soyeon just forgets everything.

It was not the right moment.

I don’t think there'll be a right moment.

Shit. I think I’m too early for my date.

Would I come off as excited?

Or like is it a good impression to seem punctual?

Okay, so wrapping up here. 

Number five, to the surprise of absolutely no one:

_5\. Jeon Soyeon_

After Soojin dumped Shuhua and moved abroad, I really didn’t think I’d ever see her again, for a long time. Maybe, out of courtesy for everyone involved. I don’t know.

But then, out of nowhere. 

“Hey, Yuqi-ah.”

There she was in front of my apartment, looking as beautiful as always. I don’t know what to think first, besides how nothing much has changed in her, or what I should feel.

But I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not happy to see her.

A lot of mixed feelings here, since I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but things were better, for me and Shuhua, and Miyeon, when Soojin and Soyeon were gone.

“It’s been a while.” Soyeon added.

I still don’t know what to do so I nodded and said, “it has. It’s been almost a year.”

“Yeah, umm… It was nice seeing you again.“

“Me, too.” Oh yeah, right. Fuck, I just, how?

“How are you?” Soyeon asked.

“I’m good, Unnie. Everything’s fine.” I told her. And it was the truth, I’m finally putting everything behind and all the shit. “How about you?”

“Yeah, the same.” Soyeon nodded like she was saying it to herself. “Can we talk?”

There’s an awkward silence for a while before I really spoke again. 

“Umm, maybe next time? I have a date tonight.” Oh, yup. After a lot of encouragement— insult from Shuhua, I asked the barista from the cafe downtown.

“Oh, alright.” Soyeon just gave me a tight smile and left.

And I let her.

Then that was it.

I’m kidding. Because that night after my date with the barista girl? I really can’t focus on the conversation we are having. Which was unfair to the girl, so I called it an early night.

And I just wandered around the block. 

That happens to be near Soyeon’s place.

I thought I would never stand a chance with her.

And at that moment I realized if I wanted a shot at being happy, I needed to try again. This time, I need to be honest.

And I know, for the first time, that I’m being stupid. But can you really blame me?

My long rant stopped when a soft, familiar voice caught my attention.

“Are you just gonna stand there or what?” A smaller woman said, a teasing tone present in her voice.

I looked behind me and found a girl smiling brightly at me.

And then, we just stood there, staring at each other. Before the smaller woman broke the silence.

“This date is already boring me.”

“Oh, so this is a date then?”

Soyeon rolled her eyes, but then nodded.


	9. High Fidelity

_The whole place was blasting Toploaders’ Dancing in the Moonlight. And the two of you can’t help but bob your heads to it. Soojin, besides you, was grinning, you can’t see her eyes from smiling so much that you can’t help but reciprocate._

_You always feel this. This uncontrollable warmth that creeps into your body every time you see her like this._

_“Hey, wanna dance?” You asked her, taking her hand and leading her to the throng of people who had the same idea as you._

_And you don’t care. You don’t care that there were a lot of sweaty people around, who might be here to feel each other’s body. Because you’re here with Soojin, her arms wrapped around your shoulder while yours in her waist. And for you, it was the most romantic thing._

_Soojin leaned towards you and whispered, “do you see that?”_

_I looked over my shoulder and saw an old couple slow dancing to a pretty upbeat song— like us. If I wasn’t this close to Soojin, I might have laughed, but there was something about the sight that made my chest be filled with affection._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I want that to be us someday.” Soojin said, as she stared into my eyes, hopeful. “You know, someday we’ll be in their position and people would look at us and be jealous of what we have.”_

_I want that, and I told her that._

_“You swear?” The older girl asked, her head tilting a little looking so adorable._

_I nodded because why wouldn’t I?_

_And Soojin kissed my cheek and smiled. Brighter than her name. Brighter than anything you can think of._

“And then I realized that the character only loved the idea of her partner. That she might have this image in her mind and she tried putting these details of her in this person in her head. And in the end, she ended their relationship, thinking that she didn't love her anymore, when in fact, she might not even like her, as her to begin with.” Yuqi explained. She watched this film and went on and on about how immature the protagonist of the film was. 

I wasn’t really listening because I kept replaying that moment with Soojin.

And Yuqi might have noticed it and tried catching my attention. 

“Shuhua-ya?”

“What do you— “ She looked at me then shook her head. “Never mind.”

“No, what?” I tried.

“No, no, I just— “

Yuqi was cut off by the loud rattling of the door. A tall, handsome man came barging inside the shop. His face was angry and clearly directed to me.

He slammed his hands on the cashier table and glared at me before he started yelling.

“You’re a fucking asshole!”

I can only look at him.

Well, that ‘him’ is Lee Hui.

“I thought that we have already been clear about this— “ about what exactly? “— thing with Soojin. And that you would stay away.” Hui yelled at me. 

I frown because ‘clearly’ there was no such conversation about this. “I did stay away. It was your ’girlfriend’ who came to me!”

‘Came,’ I can’t help but snicker at that word. But nope, now was not the time for that.

“Yes! But you are the reason why she didn’t accept my proposal!” Hui kept shouting, crying a little. I kinda felt bad for him for a second. “And then she hasn’t been come home for days and then she broke up with me, in the fucking phone!”

The other occupants of the room stared at me. Miyeon and Yuqi were looking at me, wondering what might have happened. I regarded them with a meaningful glance, that told them that I’ll explain later, before I faced the raging guy in front of me. 

“Hey, dude, look. You don’t understand. I tried— “

“Shut it. I don’t wanna fucking hear it!” Hui yelled once more before he took a deep breath. “I just— shit! I had a feeling that this would happen when I heard that you came to our apartment. But fuck! I just hoped that the two of you would have the decency to tell me.”

With that, Hui left the shop, not without slamming the door. God, I think I heard a broken glass, I’ll have to pay for the repair now.

It was quiet for a while. No one dares to state the obvious. 

Miyeon was the one who broke the silence. 

“So, I am guessing that you’re back with Soojin?” She asked.

I just sighed. Because I don’t know the answer.

Yuqi followed it with a question. “What happened?”

Okay, so what exactly happened the night Soojin came back with my key?

“I still can’t believe you have it.”

“Lucky got you, then.”

“Lucky for me.”

We stared at each other for a while and then we kissed.

Well, Soojin kissed me.

“Okay, so you’re trying to sit here and tell me that you had a ‘late-snack’ date with your ex-fiancée and she— ‘“ Yuqi made a weird gesture. “— kissed you and nothing happened?”

“She was the one who kissed me!” I defended myself. “And I didn’t say that nothing happened! I had a drink with her. She cooked for me. And that happened!”

Yuqi raised her eyebrow. “And that was it?”

“A drink. A seaweed soup. Then I literally told her that I was a selfish asshole. Then I got locked out of my own apartment. Then we kissed.” I said that in one go then took a deep breath.

Yuqi and Miyeon, again— for the nth time today— just stared at me, waiting.

Giving in, I yelled, “Okay! Okay! Something might have happened after that.”

“Fuck, I knew it.”

“I had the feeling that this would happen.”

They said over on another.

After that kiss, we just looked at each other for a while, before Soojin spoke up. And, let me tell you, how fucking surprised I was of what she said after I asked her if she wants to stay the night.

“Maybe. I don’t know. Listen, Shuhua-ya, would you sleep with me?”

“Wh— What?”

“I just— I want to feel something else apart from this feeling in my chest right now. It’s either sex or I go home and feel misery and guilt.”

Soojin isn’t like this. Soojin is pragmatic by nature and now she’s behaving as though she’s not taking the situation into consideration.

“But— what about Hui? And what about— “ I want to say everything. “What about everything?”

“Let’s go inside your apartment.”

We went to my place.

It was a quiet moment. And she led me to my bedroom. But once we were lying there. She spoke up, again. “I hope I don’t have these feelings for you anymore, to be honest. It would give me a better opinion of love right now.”

We were lying face to face before she made some adjustments to her clothes and sat on top of me. She continued. “It didn’t feel that long ago since I’ve been in this position with you.”

Soojin smiles at me, kisses me again and reaches underneath her shirt, removing it. And then there’s a lot of making out that leads to other stuff, but then— I don’t know why— I stopped both of us.

“Unnie, we can do other things.” I said. “We can watch a film or something.”

Soojin doesn’t say anything, and then she starts to cry.

I feel like I need to say something so I did, but was cut off. “You kn— “

“Look, I’m not crying because I don't want to do this with you,” Soojin says. “It’s not entirely about that. It’s just that… I’ve known you for years. And just a few weeks ago, I was calling you out. And now, you’re worried about me doing the same thing. Isn’t that a terrible thing? Isn’t it sad?” She shook her hand and sobs, and climbed off me, and we laid on my bed side by side saying nothing.

We decided to watch a film. Once in a while she would snuffle and when she does it, I can’t concentrate on what the protagonist in the film was saying, because I’m too busy regarding her. Eventually she noticed and said she already stopped crying and I feel relieved.

We talked about the what the film was about, mostly, or rather what stupid choices the characters were making. And then we talked about what we’d do in their situation. I don’t want to talk about this stuff, of course. I want to talk about Hui and her and me and whether this thing, whatever this is, means anything, but I manage to hold myself back.

And I just think that this is not all about me.

Soojin sighs, and slumps back against me and says, half smiling, half sobbing, “I’m too tired not being with you.”

I don’t know what that means and it takes me a while to work that out.

“So, wait, if you had a bit more energy, you won’t get back to me. But as it is, what with you being tired and all, you’d like us to get back together.”

Soojin nods. “Everything’s too hard. I know none of this is very romantic, and there will be romance at some stage, I’m sure. But if we’re going to be in this mess, I rather be— I need to be with someone I want to be with. A place I want to stay… here, with you.”

And you guessed it? Suddenly I feel apprehensive and sick, and I want to get out of there. But I took Soojin’s hand and kissed her.

“Okay,” I said. 

And so, that is how our relationship resumes its course.

And it was great. 

Soojin stayed at my apartment.

She called or messaged Hui, ending it. Which, to be honest, was colder than she used to be. And I’m not entirely sure and care enough to think about.

We went out to dinner every night. Sometimes, trying new restaurants around the area. Sometimes at her family’s place, and sometimes mine.

And we stayed in, and made love all the time.

We talked about the future. The important stuff.

You can say, that’s everything I ever wanted. Really.

It’s everything I ever wanted.

And still for some fucking reason.

I met this woman.

She came to our shop to interview me for her blog, and I developed all those textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. 

She managed a popular blog site. she’s a student— a writer, and she was able to pay for her tuition with this job. 

We talked about my favorite record. And she even teasingly asked for a playlist.

And I actually made her one, then sent it to her.

Which earned me a drink at a local bar with her on the following day.

“Top-Five Female Artists from the early 2000’s who changed their genre.” Miyeon slammed her hand on the table, after saying that.

We are in our usual bar— the Idle Vinyl crew— with Yuqi’s— finally— girlfriend, Soyeon, who was giggling at Miyeon’s sudden outburst.

“Go!” I yelled at Yuqi.

“Don’t embarrass yourself in front of Soyeon.” Miyeon commented.

“It’s— Oh, Beyoncé, Miley Cyrus— “

Miyeon cut her off. “Umm, nope! Veto.”

“Why?”

“She didn’t reinvent herself.” Miyeon started. “She just woke up one day after a nasty breakup and was like, ‘I’m gonna put my tongue out.’ It doesn’t count.”  
  


“Her, what out?” Soyeon inquired. 

“You know, that signature move she did, with her hands and all.”

“Listen, I’m talking about change, as in, like, becoming something else, you know what I mean? Like, okay, change… to become something better.”

“Like _Taylor Swift’s Red_ and _1989._ ” I tried.

“Don’t start again, Shuhua-ya.” Miyeon, then, glared at me. “I may not be a fan, but everyone knows that _Red_ is better than _1989_.”

Thinking about it, I agree with her.

“Alright, guys. I gotta bounce— “

Soyeon, who seemed so fond of Miyeon, stopped her. “Aww, Miyeon-unnie. You just got here.”

“I know. But I got rehearsals.” Miyeon replied, who is weirdly fond of her, too. “But this was fun. Bye!”

We watch as Miyeon left in a hurry.

“I wonder what her band actually sounds like.”

One day, after discussing Miyeon’s upcoming gig that weekend, Soojin asked me about the playlist when she saw me fiddling around with my collection. “Who’s that for?”

“Oh, just some woman who interviewed me for some project she was working one.” But I can say it without blushing and staring intently at my record, and I know she doesn’t really believe me. Soojin, of all people knows, what a playlist represents.

The morning before I’m supposed to be meeting this woman— and I didn’t— I felt the initial twinge of disappointment and then I’ll find something to get excited about again. The fact that she’s attractive, intelligent and all that. Something that usually entices me.

But this time, something different happens, though. It’s the daydreaming that does it. I’m doing the usual thing until suddenly I realized that there’s nothing left to actually, like, happen. I’ve done it all, lived through the whole relationship in my head. I’ve watched the film fast-forward. I know the whole plot, the ending, all the good parts. Now I’ve only got to repeat it all over again, and it’s not fun anymore.

And fucking— what am I gonna do now? Just keep jumping from rock to rock for the rest of my life until there’s no more rocks left? Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? I’ve been thinking with my gut ever since my first relationship. And, to be honest, I have come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

I surprised Soojin by stopping by at her office, the same day. She told me to wait for her in the nearest restaurant. She was a bit distant considering the playlist thing, but I have not said anything to her about it yet.

“Hey, I’m sorry for making you wait long.” She said as she arrived although not actually apologetic. Which is fair. “This is a nice surprise.”

I didn’t say anything. I’m too nervous.

“Are you worried about Miyeon’s gig tomorrow night?”

“Not really.” I concentrate on shoving the straw on my drink.

“Are you gonna talk to me, or shall we just have another quiet dinner?”

“I’m going to talk to you.”

Soojin nodded, patiently. And I took a sip of my soda.

“What are you going to talk to me about?”

“I’m going to ask you about whether or not you want to get married.”

Soojin laughed out loud.

“I’m serious.”

“I know.”

“Jin-ah… “

“Oh, I’m sorry. But just a few days ago you were making a playlist for a woman you barely know. And forgive me If I don’t feel that you meant it.”

“Would you, again, want to marry me? Because I do mean it.”

“What brought this all on?”

“I’m just sick of thinking about it all the time— “

“About what?”

“This stuff. Love and settling down and marriage, you know. I want to think about something else.”

“I changed my mind. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard, from you. I do.” And she said it sweetly even though I can see that she’s not ready for that yet again.

And I should feel sad with the indirect rejection from her. But I do understand, now. 

“It’s fine, Unnie. You know, I always had these daydreams. Which was always great, because there’s no problem with it, no complications. And if there is, it’s always these cute problems like, ‘she doesn’t like my favorite film,” or, “she doesn’t like the songs I included in the playlist.’ But not real problems like, being too cold in public places— “

“I’m not that cold— “

“You are. But it was one of your charming points.” I said, then shook my head, trying to get to my point. “And I’m tired of the fantasies. Because it doesn’t really exist. And there’s never really surprises. And it never really— “

“Delivered?” Soojin inquired, looking at me with interest.

“And I’m really tired of it. But I’d never get tired of _you_.”

“Did you really think I’m gonna say yes?”

“Honestly, no, not yet. I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it really. I just want to say all that. Because I think it’s important that you know.”

“Well, you told me.” Soojin smiled at me, knowing that this had some sort of meaning into it. “Thank you.”

It was the night of Miyeon’s so-called official ‘debut’ and before her band came on. Everything’s brilliant. It used to take a bit for me to warm up to the environment, but tonight they’re pleasing in a way. This is partly because most of the crowd here tonight were our acquaintances.

I was teased by everyone to introduce Miyeon. And she has even written what I’m supposed to say: ‘Ladies and gentlemen. Get ready for this generation of new artists. Here comes… BLACKPINK!’ But I just sort of mumble the name of the group into the microphone.

They’re wearing matching suits and skinny ties, though Miyeon opened the few buttons of her shirt, and when they plugged in there's a terrible feedback which for a moment I fear is the first note of their song. 

“We’re not called just ‘BLACKPINK’ anymore,” Miyeon said when she got to the mic. “We might be a band but I’m a solo artist. And we agreed upon that. Alright, drop the beat!” And they launched into a _Queen_ mashup, note perfect, and everyone in the place was loving it.

The band can play.

Miyeon can fucking sing.

And the crowd is so pleased.

The rest of the evening is like the end of a film. The entire cast is dancing: Yuqi with Soyeon, Ryujin and Minnie was there, even Chorong. And Soojin was in front of me, wrapped around my arms, smiling so brightly.

The making of a great playlist or a great film— like breaking up, it’s hard to do. 

It takes longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off the killer to grab attention. Then you gotta take it off the notch. But then you got to cool it off the notch.

There’s a lot of rules.

Anyway, I’m starting to make a playlist, in my head.

For Soojin.

Something that’s full of songs that she likes. 

Songs that make her happy.

For the first time ever, I can see how it’s done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done! Thanks for reading!


End file.
